Remember to Study Hard and Get Good Grades...

So around about 10 this morning my friend and I decide to go find some porn.

Wait.

Maybe I should back up.

Almost a year ago exactly the reigning Miss Teen Louisiana was arrested. Seems Lindsey Gayle Evans looked good in a swimsuit and wished for world peace, but ended up with a police record and no more pot. Miss Evans (can I call you Miss Evans?) decided to go on a night on the town with her friends and her purse. Her purse meanwhile brought his good friend marijuana. When Miss Evans decided she was finished eating, she must have really been finished eating because she walked out of the fine establishment (read: shitty chain restaurant with even shittier food) without her purse or paying the bill.

But don't worry, someone had their job covered: her purse held right on to Mr. Marijuana so that when the cops were called on this dime bag dine and dasher (god I'm proud of alliteration) they had a handy map to the suspect's house-her driver's license.

Who smiles in their mugshot? One who knows she's gonna be rich 'cause of it...

Of course we here in the Great State of Louisiana don't cotton to our whores breaking the law, so we stripped her of her title (I believe Miss Teen Louisiana is somewhere between Secretary of Health and Hospitals and Elections Commissioner in the order of succession) and sent her packing!

Right into the arms of a boat load of money and Hugh Hefner.

So fast-forward a year and her spread in the pages of Playboy is on newsstands (which is a lie, because no one sells porn around here; thanks jesus) and my friend, let's call him Liberace, and I decide to go pick up a copy. Because who's going to pass this up?

After sitting around the hospital waiting on my niece to be born (what a selfish person; I have stuff to do) I meet up with Liberace and we head on down to the Hustler Club.

The Hustler Club has a store beside it which sells all manner of magazines, videos, clothes, toys. Christian Science Reading Room, this ain't. After snagging their lone copy of the periodical of record, we take a tour. For the purposes of this blog, I don't think we need to go into the different machines and devices they sell, but take a look around yourself. I'm just here to provide information.

But wait! One copy? That's not going to be enough for me, Liberace...annnnnnnd the two other people we said we'd get copies for. And since neither of us had any volunteering down at the homeless shelter to do, we decided to really go for the gusto here. I mean, if you can't trust two assholes to get you the least porno-y porno mag available, who can you trust? So we head over to a place called Cindies. Get it!?!? SIN...I'm sorry, I'll let just go sit in a corner.

I'm not going to get all Don Imus on you here, but suffice it to say the entire basketball team of a local institution of higher learning were perusing the goods at Cindies. Now, I don't know if this is a widely used team-building exercise (I quit team sports when I realized cable existed) but if it is, then I predict an undefeated season!

Like this, except on opposite day...

This place was completely out of the magazine in question. Apparently Playboy didn't realize you have to flood the market around here...people watch Mr. Brooks to pick out landmarks...we're proud of our productions, even when those productions are naked women. OK, especially when those productions are naked women.

At this point, we are on a mission. 2 Circle K's and a Barnes and Noble later (I truly thought B&N would have it...I have no clue why) we had our 4 copies of this magazine.

Do you think this issue is about bloodlust?

Upon getting home we gazed down at our El Dorado, the spoils of our long search. And...it's ok...

I mean, she's good looking and all...and naked. Real naked. Surprise! It's a girl who took her clothes off for money. And turns out, not only is she great at showing millions of people her nipples, but she's also a great person. Just take a look at her turn ons:

"Super-sweet, smart and sexy men with goals, manners and money, and they've got to be FUNNY!" {Underline hers; emphasis mine}

Who wouldn't want to grab up this hot, teenage, money-grubbing sexpot with the totally realistic expectations??? I only say this because hundreds of elderly, billionaire men with questionable cognitive abilities read this site every day! But really, porn is porn is porn when it comes down to it, and while the end of the race is a pretty goddamn good checkered flag, it's the expedition that really mattered. Well that, and this criminal's snatch...