Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-April 10, 2008CE

1) Eldrick Woods is the favorite for this year's Masters, which begins today. That's not really news, because everyone favors Tiger for every tournament. I just look forward for the moment Phil Mickelson tries to Bend it like Beckham around the hospitality tent for an albatross.

2) I want to make a movie about this guy. Actually maybe they did. Big Trouble with Tim Allen and Rene Russo features Jason Lee as a guy who lives in a tree. Come to think of it Big Trouble came out first. This guy is an unoriginal fuck. Take that RV away from him!!!

3) I don't have time to finish this article before I post this, but it looks interesting. And I am all about interesting here.

4) This is a Chris Rock joke waiting to happen.

5) Hey man, sometimes you have to keep the rotting corpse of your roommate in your closet. There is nothing wrong with that and a small amount of child pornography and just a couple of bags of heroin that you sometimes put in the water coolers at the Special Olympics. It's called a hobby people, if you had one you wouldn't have so much time to spend bothering me.

6) I love freak of nature stories. It makes me feel better about my own club foot shaped like Danny Pintaro.

7) I can't wait till I can join a cult and have 20 wives. That way I can not have sex 20 times. ZING. Be sure to tip your waitress.

8) I will continue to say that John McCain is a crackpot with awful policy ideas and seems intent on continuing on the disastrous track set by the Bush administration. I will also continue to say that he seems to be a good-hearted man who at least stands up for his views. This article proves it.

Well, that's about it. I have fallen in love with this video of Lyndon Baines Johnson talking about new pants. Presidents are people too, except Grover Cleveland: he was a cyborg sent from the future to conquer humanity, and would have succeeded if not for the heroic actions of Marie Curie and John Jacob Astor. It's classified.