Bearsuits Are Funny: "I may be rancid butter, but I'm on your side of the bread."

Cindy McCain: FLILF?? You Decide.

Well, here we are Ladies and Gentlemen, the end of the primary season. John McCain statistically has enough delegates to win, and his victories in Ohio and Texas clinched the Republican nomination. He can walk into St. Paul, MN with his head held high. And on the Democratic side, Barack Hussein Obama had been a juggernaut of late. 11 straight primary victories had given him a healthy 200 delegate lead over Hillary Rodham Clinton. All wisdom was proven right with Obama winning the two mega states of Texas and Ohio, effectively ending the primaries for both parties. Hold on one sec.

Hello. What? I’m sorry; you’re going to have to speak up. No. No. No, I’ve been watching the news and the pundits for weeks leading up to these primaries and they all said that it will be close, but Obama just has the momentum and the support and the money coming into March 4th. Oh. Ooohhhhhhh.

Sorry about that. Back to the election results. Turns out I was a little off. Looks like I was totally good on the McCain stuff. All the pieces have fallen in place for him, somehow. And by somehow, I mean Karl Rove is a conniving fuckhead who ruined the Republican Party with his hate-filled bile-spewing mouth in 2000. McCain is golden much earlier than a democrat will be, allowing him to begin the general election against both of them. A little off on his war policy, as in he thinks we should always be at war, but a decent man nonetheless.

Excuse to use my Mike Huckabee picture one last time.

And we are officially done with Mike Huckabee, the man once described by me as "crazy", and by his former congregation as “Hey, where did all our money go?” Now, I’m not saying that Mike Huckabee or, in fact, all Southern Baptist preachers steal money from their churches. What I am saying is they all steal money from their churches to pay for gay sex with male hookers in a truck stop bathroom in Birmingham, AL. Then they rage, rage against the dying of the light. The light of bigotry and backwards thinking.

“The Bible is a book. It’s a good book. But it is not the only
book.”-Henry Drummond; Inherit the Wind

The Democratic ticket is still up in the air. Still. Clinton pulled victories out of her ass in Texas and Ohio last night, extending this race to at least Pennsylvania in a month. One more month of these two dancing around each other. “I respect the shit out of my opponent, but what you don’t know is that they touch sheep’s genitals on Yom Kippur.” The damning thing is they both have qualities people like to see in a candidate. She is a hardassed centrist who has the history and belongs to a famous family. He spouts off crazy ideas and nonsense he can never deliver on because of those pesky other two branches of government. They both have their election promises we eat up like candy. Universal Healthcare: Sure, sounds nice. Clean Energy: Saves me money at the pump. Pulling out all of our troops from Iraq in 6 minutes: Well, that doesn’t seem very smart.

Bartlet '08: He can read!

I don’t know the last time a party went to their convention without a clear nominee, and honestly I’m too lazy to look it up, but this is pretty darn exciting. I just wish a real dark horse, like James K. Polk, could come up at the convention and say hey, what about me? Like Al Gore showing up, throwing his Nobel Peace Prize onto the podium and saying, “Come on…Come on????” It would just make it an even more exciting convention. Ok you got me, I just want it to be like The West Wing, but then again, I want everything to be like The West Wing.

Turns out the pundits were right about one thing: Hispanics/Latinos/Gardeners love Hillary. 64% to 32% in Texas; in Ohio it doesn’t matter. Ohio is really, really fucking white. Of course that’s not news. Ohio is so white the Cleveland Indians replaced Willie Mays Hayes with Omar Epps and no one noticed a difference. That’s a Major League/Major League 2 joke right there, boys and girls. Enjoy.