Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-April 25, 2008CE

1) When the title of the article is Costly Lesson On How Not To Build A Navy Ship you know it's just going to make heads roll. Not at the Pentagon of course, where apparently anything goes when it comes to spending billions of dollars on new fighter planes to combat all of the high tech jets Hezbollah just developed. Or the speedy attack nuclear submarines al Qaeda is manning right now.

2) Humans were put on the endangered species list about 70,000 years ago. But Russell, that can't be true. Humans have been the dominate species on the earth ever since God created Adam 4000 years ago. You silly goose.

3) New Harold and Kumar out this weekend, as is the new Tina Fey vehicle Baby Mama. Both seem like a good watch, if you don't think about them, which movie reviewers are not allowed to do. Catch 22.

4) In Sports, Frank Thomas, doing his best Joe Paterno impression, just went back to the Oakland Athletics, where he will continue to use up all the ben gay and handicapped stalls. Larry Brown quit his do nothing job with the 76ers and is pursuing a coaching job once again. Give it 4 weeks and he will have had 3 jobs. Tracy McGrady is doggedly trying to make it out of the first round. Nope. The Wizards beat the Cavs, and in what I can only assume is the worst playoff match up in the history of any sport, including lawn darts, the Toronto Raptors beat the Orlando Magic. Hard to believe they are still playing basketball up in Toronto. GO LEAFS!!!

5) Someone please tell me what's cooler than a penguin in a wetsuit. I mean it--tell me. You can't; it's impossible.

6) Gross

Well, that's about it. It's like Slim Pickens as Major "King" Kong in Dr. Strangelove said: "Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one .45-caliber automatic, two boxes ammunition, four days' concentrated emergency rations, one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills, one miniature combination "Rooshin" phrase book and Bible, one hundred dollars in rubles, one hundred dollars in gold, nine packs of chewing gum, one issue of prophylactics, three lipsticks, three pair of nylon stockings... Shoot, a fella could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff!"