Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-August 5, 2008CE

With many apologies to Nick (seen here with his father), I bring you so much news your eyes will melt.

1) Tropical Storm Edouard, which has the single most annoying hurricane name in history, made landfall this morning to the east of Galveston, TX bringing high winds and flood waters to an area just beginning to recover from the Galveston Hurricane of 1900. Things move a little slower down south, yall. (And, yes, I did just make a comic reference to a natural disaster that claimed a minimum of 6000 lives. There is officially no hope for me or my cold, black soul.)

2) In Apocalypse news, another earthquake struck China's Sichuan province on Tuesday, I'm sure destroying many, many buildings and killing many, many people. But rest easy, fellow 8-8-08'ers, the Olympic torch was not deterred in it's journey to Beijing.

3) In sports, college football is gearing up for a mind-bendingly sweet-ass season, and apparently I'm not keeping up like I should. The Georgia Bulldogs have been voted number 1 in the first preseason coaches poll. They must have a team strong enough to beat Tampa Bay because they have suspended 5 (so far) players for off the field infractions. It's all part of Mark Richt's new "Let 'em celebrate" style of leadership. Oh, what's that Mark, you have thought about that:

Now, in hindsight, I asked the team to do an unsportsmanlike act, because it's called unsportsmanlike conduct, excessive celebration. In hindsight, I shouldn't have done it. I won't do anything like that again. It could have easily turned into a big stupid brawl and everything else.

In general, though, the SEC is as strong as ever before and for those of us who wake up at 10am each Saturday, screw our gin-soaked eyes back into our head just to listen to Corso and Herbstreit spew venom at LSU and jerk the PAC-10 off with both hands, it's going to be a great fall. Oh yea, and fuck Auburn.

4) Apparently when you are a renown chef it's not so super an idea to tell the mindless sheep who would actually sit down and do exactly what you tell them to, just because you are on the telly, that eating a dangerous hallucinogen in your fresh garden greens is a great idea. And if you think you can make a better run on sentence, then, scooter, you are welcome to try.

5) In entertainment, I'm wearing all black today. Most of you know that for a while now I've had a tumultuous on again-off again relationship with the venerable African American actor and restaurateur Morgan Freeman. Well Morg got into a serious car wreck, and even though we are currently on the outsies, we here at Bearsuits Are Funny wish him a speedy recovery (CALL ME!!!!) It's always nice when actors do stuff for the USO and the troops. I genuinely believe most of them truly enjoy the work they do with these organizations, although I don't really trust that Jack Black cares all that much. It always seems to me like he's just there to make a face and go home. And finally in entertainment, I will be braving another useless day at work tomorrow as I go see Pineapple Express tonight at midnight. A complete recap is forthcoming.

6) In medical news, what the hell does it take to convince you big wig fat cats at the drug companies that I, and many of my fellow men, need a cream or implant to stop my George Clooney juice from fertilizing the babyeggs which I slather needlessly *shrugs shoulders with a sympathetic look on face*??!!??

7) Disappointing absolutely no one, the BBC delivers like fucking Domino's with their reporting. It's rarely funny that parents leave their child alone in the Ben Gurion airport when they forget her during a trip to Paris (ED Note: That's a total lie.). What is awesome, is that this guy totally references Home Alone goddamn 2!!! Why would that add anything to the story? Can a person read this story about a little girl being left in an airport, and not connect the dots to form the mental images and correlating verbal thoughts to process the raw information internally, without needing Catherine O'Hara, John Heard, and Macaulay Culkin to facilitate progress?

Well, that's about it. It's like I'm going to see tonight, Pineapple Express: