Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-October 6, 2008CE

1) An august authority no other than the Pope himself, sitting atop his golden throne in Vatican City, said that as the largest landholder on Earth he thinks that money is futile and the financial crisis shows that "the only solid reality is the word of God." Financial experts asked the pontiff to shut the fuck up and try to attempt to look like he wants to pretend to stop kiddie rape. In other more salient news, you're still screwed. Banks are going to fail and there is nothing this bailout can do about it. On face value it's great that oil prices are plummeting; cheap gas right?!? No, it's just another indicator that the Apocalypse is upon us. But one thing we have to remember is that these kind of financial meltdowns happen all the time. We were just so used to unbridled abundance after the dot.coms and the 90's (Reality Bites!) that we just got all full of everything. Which bodes not well for my generation who have known nothing but.

2) Are you a female? If you're reading this, then probably not. But just go with me on this one. Are you a female? Are you tired of working the same jobs as men and getting less pay? Do you think an equal days work should mean an equal days pay? Do you dislike your vagina and all the wackyness that comes with it? Then head down to the doctor and get yourself a penis. With your new penis you can finally make the money you have been earning for years! And your new penis comes with a bumper to bumper 10 year-100,000 mile warranty for any wear and tear you may incur including chaffing, chipped paint, and axle repair.

3) In sports, the Cubs surprised no one by dropping the last chance game with the home team Los Angeles Dodgers of Brooklyn thus proving that there is a god and he's a wrathful, hateful, spiteful god who wishes to rain down pain and suffering upon all of humanity. In other baseball news, now that it doesn't matter: White Sox over Rays, Angels over Red Sox, and Philadelphia is in the NLCS on the backs of the Brew Crew.
Rookie QB Matty Ice led the not as hapless Atlanta Falcons over the banged up Packers yesterday. That's about all I know about the day in football Sunday; I spent my day watching The Wicker Man with Nick Cage. A word about seeing that movie: don't.
David Letterman's alma mater, Ball State, is in the top 25 ranking for the first time ever this week. Bob Stoops' Ohio Stateish (def: can't beat SEC) Sooners retained the top stop with 'Bama staying at 2. Missouri rightly moved ahead of LSU to 3rd after a convincing victory over Nebraska in Lincoln.

4) They should rename this ride the Beverly Hills Cop 3. Get it? Because there is a similar situation involving a Ferris wheel. It's ok, I'll go ahead and leave.

5) In entertainment, G.O.D.D.A.M.M.I.T! IN THE FIRST PARAGRAPH I SET UP THE IDEA THAT THE WORLD IS ENDING. IN THE SECOND I RELATED A STORY IN WHICH THE WORLD, AND PEOPLE'S LIVES, CAN BE TURNED UPSIDE DOWN AND INSIDE OUT. THIRDLY, I REMINDED YOU THAT GOD IS A VENGEFUL DEITY. FOURTH, WE FOUND OUT THAT ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. FINALLY, IN THE ENTERTAINMENT PARAGRAPH WE FIND OUT THAT BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA WON THE BOX OFFICE THIS WEEKEND. PROOF FUCKING POSITIVE THAT YOU SHOULD LEAVE WORK AND SCHOOL RIGHT NOW TO PACK UP YOUR SAMSONITE, BECAUSE THE GREYHOUND STRAIGHT TO HELL WILL BE BY SHORTLY. AND SATAN DOESN'T LIKE TO BE KEPT WAITING.

That's all I can muster after learning that the talking Mexican dog movie made 30 million dollars and Arrested Development was cancelled. Thanks Hollywood. Well, at least we have youtube. here are all three installments of David Blane.