Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-October 23, 2007 CE

1) Someone agrees, at least in spirit, with my post about the revelation that beloved figure of children's literature, Albus Dumbledore, was secretly a dancer at the Birdcage in Miami. John Cloud, of Time magazine, just might be the angriest gay dude since Dick Cheney found out he was related to Barack Obama. I would sell my right foot for just one 4 minute sketch by The Kids in The Hall regarding this subject.

2) Forty jerkass elephants decided to go on a rampage and get snot-slinging, knee-walking, drunk in India. Apparently the only thing elephants love more than holding their herd mates tail in their noses is to stampede a village and steal all of the rice beer. (Insert your own Brittany Spears joke here) Six of the smarter pachyderms ran over the power lines like they were coached by Tommy Tuberville, and electrocuted themselves--TO DEATH!!. The other 34 realized what happened, began to grow demure, quietly left town and dropped a C note on the mayor's doorstep for the damages.

3) In news you wonder how you lived without news a wonderful go-getter tells us how to survive a monkey attack. I have known of slate for a while, and this doesn't really surprise me. The kind of people who read slate religiously are just the kind of people who will get up and decide to go vacation in New Delhi. The same New Delhi with rampaging monkeys co-habitating with humans---approximately 7 trillion humans. Mother Theresa lived in India and you know what: she died. DIED, people. Word to those who might be contemplating a visit to India(dot, not feather): don't bother asking me to tag along. I'll be in Syria, where it's safe.

4) This guy hates work. All work, of any kind. And he found a way to fix that, hopefully. Good Sir, I congratulate you for sacrificing so much in your short life, just to make the remaining 50 years of your life livable.

Donna Coveney

Hey, Brad, is there a cover at this place?