Picks from a guy who watches football

Notice I didn't say from a guy who knows football, or a guy who analyzes football. These picks come straight from the mouth of a guy who has more than a passing interest in the game, but not to much that I think about it over, let's say, Scarlett Johansson.

To begin, I had a nagging feeling that the #2 USF Bulls would succumb to The State University of New Jersey. Again, I have very little actual information to support that hunch, especially since my admission of said hunch is after the fact. I just wanted to get it out there, so that you can marvel at my prognostication power. But honestly, in a year of such insanity in College Football there was no way that USF was going to go unbeaten. Just wasn't going to happen. #2 in the BCS is a stressful position and no matter what a player says, that can weigh on a kid's mind. Remember that these players are no older than 23 years old. I remember when i was 23 and i couldn't find enough money for beer---multiply that by at least 2 to get the pressure these children face each week. Also, The State University of New Jersey is no stranger to pressure after the three ring circus they participated in last year with their Big East brethren, Louisville and West Virginia. They have experience if not the record, and Greg Schiano has proven that he can get wins out of this group. Plus Ray Rice is a genetically engineered metahuman, so that helps.

So, lets get down to the gut picks. I will just go through the schedule and comment.

Friday:

Louisville v. Connecticut: Connecticut is undefeated in conference play, Louisville couldn't find its dick with a compass and a map, and the sky is plaid. Connecticut

Saturday Noon Eastern:

Penn State v. Indiana: Penn State shouldn't have a problem with Indiana, as long as Anthony Morelli plays like Joe Paterno drives. Plus, this gives me the opportunity to make as many Roseanne jokes as I would like. I won't at this time, but I could. And since he is the right age, there is no doubt in my mind that Dan Connor was actually named after the character that made rotund master thespian John Goodman a star. Penn State

Iowa v. Purdue: Iowa put a tick mark in the loss column of the Illinois Fightin' Zooks. That certainly doesn't mean they are worth a damn. I take Joe Tiller's Moustache over a pair of pruning shears, let alone a weak Iowa team. Purdue

Oklahoma over Iowa State, The Ole Ball Coach over Vanderbilt, Alabama over Tennessee

Saturday Early Afternoon:

Texas A&M v. Nebraska: BATTLE OF THE COACHING FUCK-UPS!!! The only way this game could be any less about the actual football game was if they devised a way for Houston Nutt to call plays. Like ghost coach for both special teams. A&M

Florida v. Kentucky: Kentucky, famous sports segregationists (because 40 year old criticisms are my bread and butter), are coming off that thrilling, and by thrilling I mean anticlimactic and disheartening, 3 overtime win over the LSU Tigers last week. Their Heisman candidate, Andre Woodson, should make for a wonderful counterpart to the antics of Tim Tebow. Word of caution to the Kentucky defense: If you actually climb his beanstalk be wary, he will smell you and come looking for you. Florida

Mississippi State v. West Virginia: My respect and admiration for the insurgence of the Big East, exemplified by West Virginia, is going up against the rampant homerism I feel, represented by the dregs of my hometown conference, the SEC. There is really no question that future X-Man, Steve Slaton, and his partner in crime fighting, Pat White, are going to make the south look bad. I repeat, only Steve Slaton and Pat White can do that, not the centuries of racism and corruption and cornbread. Wait, scratch that, cornbread is delicious. West Virginia

UCLA over Cal, USC over ED (get it, that's an impotence joke), Texas Tech over Missouri

Evening/Night:

Virginia v. Maryland: Why don't I like Virginia or Maryland? Because I don't know them, plus I abhor the names of the divisions in the Atlantic Coast Conference. There are two of them: the Atlantic division and the Coastal division. That's bush league shit. Are you too good to just use cardinal directions like the rest of the fucking country? Push, becasue I refuse to diginify either team with a pick

Michigan v. Illinois: The primetime ABC game, mainly because ABC hates football, pits the Wolverines (SHARING THE BIG TEN LEAD!!1!) against the sometimes dangerous Illini. Michigan is showing skill after recovering from the rough start just enough so that Lloyd Carr won't bore viewers to death next year. I take that back; Lloyd Carr and Pam Ward in the same booth would delight me to no end. Michigan

Auburn v. LSU: This might not be the most talked about game, but it will be the most watched, mainly to see how the newly minted number 4 team in the nation will recover from the loss last week (See Above). Auburn has done its part to help South Florida to the top of the polls, but it cannot be stressed enough that they are a dangerous team. They beat Florida twice in a row and dashed LSU's hopes last year. Earlier in the season, a more accomplished blogger (http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/) likened LSU to a werewolf with a chainsaw for a dick, and that was true...then. As of now it is hard to commit to the party line that LSU is still the best team in the nation. They certainly have the best talent and the most potential, and trust me, I hope they can pull it together this week, but until Matt Flynn starts moving his eyes around the field and Brandon LaFell starts putting stuck-um on his gloves it's going to be a tough road down the stretch. Glenn Dorsey is not going to earn a chance at the Heisman all by himself; he needs the rest of the hyped up defense to begin playing at early season form again. When all is said and done, I trust that LSU can put together a game plan that will get them to the much needed bye week with another win for some well deserved rest. LSU

Tulane over SMU, Oregon over Washington, Boise State over LA Tech, Colorado over Kansas

Ok, since I know that shit tons of people are reading this so far, feel free to leave your comments concerning my idiocy, and I leave you to pine for Tison's picks/thoughts. Enjoy!!