Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-November 7, 2007CE

1) Dear Conservatives,
Good Morning. This open letter is to remind you why the right to choose is so important. This is thousands of dollars, millions of tears and 27 hours that a simple abortion could have saved. I await the next poor child god has forsaken. See you on tv!!!

2) Dear Liberals,
Good Morning. This open letter is to remind you to try and pull your heads out of your asses once in a while and look around. It's fall, the leaves are changing, and you look like idiots when you make up rules like this. It's easier to brew hallucinogenic mushroom tea from the dried remains of John Calvin than it is to stop 13 year old girls from hugging one another goodbye. Teach kids how not to sexually assault one another and perhaps we can take the hugging laws of the books, what do you say, Baretta?

3) And finally, Dear Billboard Music Charts,
Good Morning. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. You cheating, revisionist bastards have done the world a favor. You stand vigilant, a wall of sanity against an onslaught of fucking stupid teenage girls and young adults who have no taste or pride in their choices or themselves. You somehow convinced Wal-Mart to release internal figures they never release so the new Eagles album, sold exclusively at Wal-Mart (Always, always put chili on your low prices. Always.), would beat reigning black hole of humanity and decency Britney Spears' "comeback" album, Blackout. Remember kids, it's always good to support a woman who has been ruled by a court in California (?!?!?) to be unfit for parenting. These are the people who allowed Macaulay Culkin to marry Rachel Minor when he was 16. This is the state that According to Jim is filmed in. On a brighter note, a new Eagles album means more bathroom breaks for those many, many fans suffering from enlarged prostates and overactive bladders.