Who's The Black Private Dick Who's A Sex Machine To All The Chicks?

Basketball rarely interests me before it's time to bet on the NCAA tournament (Just Kidding, IRS!!!). No reason to watch 2 hours of basketball when COPS is only 30 minutes and shitloads more entertaining. One thing I did notice last night while watching television at the bar instead of listening to the conversation around me was Shaq.

Shaq has proven that badassness knows no age limit. Since he dumped his wife because he realized he was Shaq, lives in Miami, and can legally carry a firearm as a sheriff deputy, he realized that he only had one more outlet to show how cool he is:

Yes, as a bald black man he grew his beard and instantly became Isaac Hayes. Say what you want about scientology but just try listening to Theme from Shaft without puffing your chest out a little and then sleeping with the white boss' white wife, just 'cause you can. I had an actual 45 ep of Theme from Shaft in high school and listened to it at least once every morning. And I never screwed as many teachers and killed as many drug dealers than that magical year of Shaft.

I applaud Shaq for the beardosity he displays each night he plays under the lights at the American Airlines Arena. I welcome him to the Bearded Brotherhood, populated by other masters of follicle growth as Tony Kornheiser, Me, and Rosie O'Donnell (cheap jokes are the most fun). Keep on keeping on, good sir.