Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-December 12, 2007CE

SPECIAL ARKANSAS EDITION!!!

1) So, when I left work early at 4:50 yesterday the buzz was that Will Muschamp of Auburn would be the next coach of the University of Arkansas. By the time I got home, Bobby Petrino had quit the hapless Atlanta Falcons following a pitiful showing against the Saints on Monday night. By the time I fixed dinner, Petrino was the Head Coach for Arkansas. And finally as I was having a beer at the bar around 10:30, Petrino was standing in front of a Razorback being introduced by the University. I felt like I was in a time warp or something. I can't find my car keys in the amount of time Petrino quit a job only 32 people in the world can have at one time, and get a new job in the toughest conference in college football with one of the more "demanding" fan bases. Have fun with that Freedom of Information Act!

2) Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee is not only a good friend of bad ass Chuck Norris.

No, he is much more than that. He is a father and husband who keeps his daughter as a close political adviser and aide. He also is a former preacher who wants to quarantine homosexuals because of the AIDS plague (his words, not mine surprisingly). So there is that to think about, but do we want to make worse decisions than the Venezuelans? Honestly, they voted down Hugo Chavez's attempt to become president for life. This guy is in the lead in Iowa and wants to set up concentration camps or something. We live in an interesting time.

3) Finally, in what the fuck does a 2 year old kid need to shoot a fucking gun for news, 5 year old Tre Merritt kill't hisself a bear. Making this story even crazier than the reality of the situation, this kid is descended from Davy Crockett. Yep, he killed him a bear when he was only 3. Died at the Alamo. Coon skin cap. In a related story, Fess Parker runs his own vineyard and winery now, so there's that.

Well, that's about it. It's like Pope Alexander VI said on his death bed: "Wait a minute..."