Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-February 1, 2008CE

1) Prepare to be sick to your stomach. We've all got problems, but Exxon ain't got neer a one of 'em. In 2007 they made $1,300 per second. To clear up any confusion, thats referring to the time interval of which 60 comprises one minute. Thats $78,000 per minute, $4,680,000 per hour. When I filled up my first car I did it with gas costing 88¢ a gallon. I know things change and the market determines blah blah blah but Christ, I'm only 24. I just feel sorry for the morons driving trucks and SUV's around; they're the ones getting fucked with their pants on.

2) It really is mind-boggling that we continue to discover new species of animal in this day and age. We tend to think we have been everywhere and done everything we can do on continental earth but that is just not true, and perhaps never will be. Thats your official deep thought and science article all wrapped up in one today. You're welcome.

3) It is depressing to admit to yourself that you will never be good enough to match the feat of a 92 year old blind man. The 92 year old blind man is a better golfer than I. And he will continue to be a better golfer long after he is dead. I am sorry, but I cannot attend your funeral, 92 year old blind man; I will be in the woods looking for my ball.

4) And finally, a word of notice to those of you holding Super Bowl parties: You can. But there are rules, sir, and if you break them Roger Goodell will rain fire and brimstone upon you like the mighty Thor wields his hammer. You've seen his stance on Pacman Jones: out for an entire year. Christ, Kevin Everett parked in his space once and Goodell had him paralyzed on the field. The main point is never, ever look Roger Goodell in the eyes.

Well, that's about it. For the weekend I leave you with a group of performers just getting up on the London Tube, doing Thriller, and sitting back down like nothing happened. Then the bystanders just start clapping. If this happens all the time over there, I am applying for my work visa immediately. My favorite part is the people getting up for their stop. Enjoy: