Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-January 31, 2008CE

1) It's the end of an era, Ladies and Gentlemen. The face that raised us from children to young adults is leaving the airwaves. Oh, how you learned life's most important lessons from the Sage, such as sleeping with 6 men in one week is a bad way to deal with paternity issues that might arise later, and that grotesque freaks that have been forgotten by the Lord are people too. Yes, Montel Williams will no longer be teaching us through the picture box. Pick up the torch, Maury Povich, and run, run, run.

2) New information has been learned about the closest planet to the Sun, Mercury. Mapping and learning about Mercury will give us a greater understanding of blah blah blah. Just say you want to look at cool shit on another planet and be done with it. The truth is good.

3) Attention Fatasses: As you sit in your palatial Foxboro shack in your threadbare recliner, licking the last bit of cheese dust from the Doritos bag and gulping down your 17th Coors as the Giants score another touchdown on the Pats, try not to get over excited. You will have a Heart Attack! Big sporting events coincide with big sporting events, according to a new study out of Germany. I'm not surprised in the least.

4) Here is a Slate story about how the big news websites have the craziest tabloid headlines to grab reader's attention, which I know first hand because how do you think I come up with these stories every morning? I love Haiti's Poor Resort To Eating Dirt, and Students Expelled For Making Out On Bus. Who cares, and is that a crime?

Well that's about it. It's like Groucho Marx as Professor Wagstaff in Horse Feathers said: "I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived."