Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-February 12, 2008CE

1) Blackberry users, such as me, experienced an outage yesterday afternoon. It's slightly annoying, but the jagoff in this article is way out of control and needs to slow down his life.

"I'm mad — it's enough already," said a frustrated Stuart Gold, who said he gets 1,000 e-mails a day as director of field marketing for Web analytics company Omniture Inc. and can't afford the downtime.

"I don't know what happened, I don't care what happened. They need to save their excuses for someone who cares," Gold said."

Get off your fucking high horse and answer your precious emails in a couple of hours. Take the afternoon off, go to the park, get some sun. I am sure all the important shit that this company no one cares about does can't wait 2 fucking hours. I was annoyed, sure, but I didn't go starting World War III.

2) 2) Christopher Hitchens, the angriest atheist in the world, writes about the Archbishop of Canterbury advocating Islamic sharia courts in Britain. These would take care of matters within the Muslim realm, such as a woman looked at the ceiling and not the floor; punishment is, of course, death. Another horrible crime these courts might deal with is when a woman dares to own thoughts and, forgetting what’s going on, speaks said thoughts. Punishment is again and, of course, death. I wish we had Sharia law instead of this pesky Napoleonic Code.

3) Do you have a new dog you just invented!? Do you want to show your new genetic freak off at the Super Bowl of animals, the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show?! Not so fast, Johnny. Here is a quick primer from the Explainer on what you need to do to get your new dog breed recognized by the AKC. What the writer forgot is that the last step should always be drowning said dogs in the river because they shed and bark and jump up on things with their dirty fucking paws and they cause cultural abortions such as the Puppy Bowl. ¡I'm a dog person!

Well, that's about it. It's like this anonymous anti-limerick states:

There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When asked why this was,
He answered 'because
I always try to fit as many syllables into the last line as ever possibly I can.'