Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-February 13, 2008CE

1) The Potomac Primaries (Virginia, Maryland, and the District of Columbia) held their presidential primaries yesterday, with Obama and McCain coming out ahead in all three areas. They are called the Potomac Primaries because the Potomac River forms part of the border for each city/state. I didn’t say city-state, mainly because Sparta and Athens don’t vote until March 22. That’s historical/geographical humor, one step up from puns, which we all know my feelings on (PRO!!!).

2) A tanker truck in China overturned, and no, it wasn’t carrying China’s main industry: baby girls to be left on the mountain because girls are undesirable children. It was carrying battery acid. Thirty tons of it. That’s 3-0. That’s a lot of anything, let alone a horrible, deadly corrosive material. Sort of like Lindsay Lohan’s crotch. Boom-Bang, I’m on fire with the topical this morning.

3) I usually don’t put pictures on the AMEO, but for this I will make an exception to the rule which doesn’t exist in the first place 40 year old Gary Coleman, the shortest loser in the world, apparently married the tallest loser in the world, 22 year old Shannon Price, in secret last November. Here is a sneak peak at what Gary gets to come home to every night:

This girl could eat an apple through a chain link fence. She has more gums than the bleachers at a high school gymnasium. I can’t wait tills they gets divorced sos I’s can has my shot.

4) As if you needed another reason to never go to Africa, here is another one: the plague is back. The Black Death has moved to Africa mostly, and while not exactly an epidemic, people still get a little antsy even thinking about the plague. Except me; I’ve been practicing. “Bring out your dead; Bring out your dead.”

5) I went to play trivia last night and the Kentucky-Vanderbilt game was on next to it. It was a massacre. The Wildcats of Cousinfuckingberg managed a stellar 11 points before the half, and was handed its worst SEC loss in the history of the once storied program. Oh a lighter note I would still tattoo my body blue to have sex with Ashley Judd. But we all know I am just using her to get to Naomi.

Well, that's about it. It's like Leo Tolstoy said in The Death Of Ivan Ilych: "Ivan Ilych's life had been most simple and most ordinary and therefore most terrible."