Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-March 10, 2008CE

1) I think Headline Wars is won by two organizations for the same AP story. USA Today and CNN share the crown for Prescription drugs found in drinking water across U.S. This will most likely not surprise you. Guess what: water's got shit in it. Always has always will. And I'll tell you another thing. Be happy you got pills and drugs and shit in your water, son, because the Indians piss and shit at the top of the Ganges and then drink from the bottom of it, so quit your bellyachin', Al Gore.

2) Only in Minnesota will people get dressed up like they were going to the Ren Fair just so they can smoke inside bars. Minnesota has a new smoking ban, but a loophole which states that performers in theatrical productions can smoke onstage. So these people have been turning their bars into "theatres", or something. Here is a hint, Minnesotans: There are Lutheran churches in warmer climates. Get the fuck out of Minnesota. In Florida you can stand outside to smoke. Jerks.

3) If you were looking for ideas for my birthday present, I would point you in the direction of Liberia and their native Pygmy Hippos. These things are fucking awesome. It's like having a house cat that eats lilly pads and can crush a Ford Fiesta with it's jaw.

I want to bedazzle it!!!

4) This is news to me. In the Mexican-American War there were a group of Catholic Irish immigrants fighting for the US who got fed up with their Protestant officers so they switched sides. Turned out to not be that good an idea, but I had never heard of this before. You learn something new every day. Like how to reroute your IP address when committing highly illegal actions in cyberspace. I mean, my friend who does that...

5) Paramount is joining the burgeoning Facebook application game, so now you can watch clips from their films. Enjoy.

6) HA

7) I'm sorry?

Well, that's about it. It's like Sophocles said: "Truly, to tell lies is not honorable; But when the truth entails tremendous ruin, to speak dishonorably is pardonable."