Friday, March 14, 2008

Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-March 14, 2008CE

Apologies for the lack of an update yesterday. Things got pretty hairy around here and by the time it calmed down---well, honestly, I was knee deep in Arrested Development on http://www.hulu.com/. So sue me. Today we begin with the stories I had laid out yesterday.

1a) The new five dollar bill came out yesterday and boy, oh boy, is it looking more and more French every time they revamp it. And vamp is the proper term for this sissy mary of a currency. Purples and mauves all over the fucking place. ggrrrrr BENJAMIN FRANKLIN!

2a) Chuck and Cami visited the former British island of Jamaica and toured Bob Marley's former home, now a museum. It is not reported, but highly likely, that Charles picked up some monster hash for Prince Harry to celebrate his return from Afghanistan.

3a) The last WWI veteran from France has died. Once again, the fucking French giving up and surrendering to time and aging. What a bunch of losers. And yes, I know he was born in Italy. They're not much better. For Christ sake they got their ass kicked by the Huns. The Huns!! All we did was lose a jungle war to midgets that the French lost before us (which seemed like a false showing of the Vietnamese powers; you can't blame us for trying).

4a) Headline Wars yesterday had one clear winner, and of course it has to do with human beings losing their goddamn mind. Boyfriend: Phobia caused woman's 2-year bathroom stay This lady had a mental breakdown and her boyfriend allowed her to stay in the bathroom for two years. Of course, since she is crazy, she never walked around so HER ASS GREW INTO THE TOILET SEAT!!! I'll give you a moment.

This is what the inside of her brain, and coincidentally, the back of her ass, looked like following this two year ordeal:



And we move smoothly into today's fine news you can use:

There is no real headline war winner today, nothing jumped out at me. And nothing will after that women grew the toilet around what must be the most disgusting body imaginable It would be like fucking the leg flaps of a syphilitic rhinoceros. But we do have regular news-

1b) Friend of the Blog Fred Couples is sharing the lead after one round at the Arnold Palmer Invitational Golf Tournament. You might remember Fred Couples from this glowing post.

2b) This story isn't about funny crazy, like toilet ass, it's just about crazy crazy, and how unstable parents are sometimes worse than no parents at all. A woman in Dallas threw her sons off a freeway overpass and jumped after them. Thankfully they all survived, but hopefully she won't get to see them for a long, long time. I know I would harbor slight feelings of unease if my mother ever threw me off an overpass into oncoming traffic.

3b) $850 million for Bebo? No thanks; never heard of it. Next...

4b) Finally. My mom has been waiting literally 40 years for this.

I leave you, on this International Pi Day (not "pie", you fatty's; get on a toilet) with the words of a man born on this day, Albert Einstein: "I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution."

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