Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-March 20, 2008CE

1) We begin with a story I reported on yesterday, the man who caught the giant fish barehanded in Nigeria. Well, come to find out this guy has a little bit of that American spirit in his blood, because he was found to have caught the fish in another river, planting it in the river being contested, and "catching" it. Turns out, when you kill a fish it begins to decompose and change. So the judges took another look and found out the gills looked like they hadn't been processing oxygen from water in quite a while. So the guy is thrown in jail, and since its Africa, he'll be stoned or something. If everyone around the world who cheated at a major contest was caught and stoned, then we wouldn't have the professional sports of Baseball, Football, Cycling, Cricket, Chess, and Old Maid.

2) For most of us Easter break begins tomorrow, and whether you have Good Friday off, or Friday and Monday you can agree: it's awesome. Slate has two stories concerning Easter. The first concerns the Resurrection of Christ, and the ramifications therewith. The second explains why Easter hasn't turned into the commercial, secular holiday Christmas has. I'll spoil the plot: It has to do with the difference between a baby child wrapped in swaddling clothes with his parents lovingly looking over him, and a 33 year old naked man wearing a crown of thorns, being savagely beaten and hung on a tree by nails in his wrists to die.

3) In an act of teamwork from the greediest bunch of people since the Pharaoh of Egypt, the Boston Red Sox took a mini strike until it was agreed that coaches and some personnel would receive the same compensation they will receive for playing their season opener in Tokyo next week. The players union, known for resisting drug screens and lollipops and happiness and truth, negotiated $40,000 for each player going overseas, an amount which blows my mind. So now the coaches will get theirs and everyone will be happy, except the other 30 teams and coaches who will somehow demand they too receive money for nothing, as if they don't get enough of that already--JASON GIAMBI, I'M LOOKING AT YOU!!!

4) You know, I might be more liberal then the next man, especially where I live, but this I have to agree with. I don't mind my taxes helping out your children, and I don't mind what you do in your house, but honestly: please just get on board with the English thing. Just learn the damn language. If you make the effort to move here to better your life, and mine, just take the time to learn the goddamn language. Fuck. And that's my conservative rant for the day.

5) UPDATE: ToiletAss's boyfriend, who let her sit on the damn toilet for weeks, is being charged with mistreatment to a dependant adult. In other terms, he neglected a crazy person by being stupid. Kind of like everyone in Britney Spears' life. (ZING!; pop culture joke.) By the way: new South Park last night on this subject (Spears, not ToiletAss). It's some of their most insane work in a while.

6) Review without listening: Don't bother.

Well, that's about it. It's like Freddie Mercury said: "I’m just an old slag who gets up every morning, scratches his head and wonders what he wants to fuck."