Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-March 25, 2008CE

1) Lion's skulls (?) found in a moat (?) at the Tower of London (!?) were tested and found to come from North Africa. The fact that we are sitting here talking about moats and lions and the Tower of London is mindblowing. Even more mindblowing is the Royal Menagerie. Let's just keep these wild nonnative animals--in a tower. I prefer to think of these predatory beasts all crammed together in the highest room of a medieval skyscraper. Sometimes they escape and race crosscountry in different crazy vehicles. All evidence points to the opposite, but let a man dream, dammit.

2) New York continues it's string of electoral superiority with their new Governor, legally elected Lt. Gov., admitting that he tried coke "once or twice" and hasn't touched pot "since the late 70's". David Paterson has come to office amid Spitzergate (gate being the term to indicate his trousers being undone, as in the gate's open and the horse is getting out) and immediately says that he and his wife have cheated on one another, and he did drugs in the 70's, and he's fucking blind, and this guy just can't get any better. If you wanted honesty in your elected officials your new poster boy is David Paterson.

3) Almost since he was elected Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick fixed himself a big ole pot of fuckup soup and sat right down in it, just to infuse the mixture with his own special herbs and spices. I have heard of him for a while now, and it's not because he is cleaning up crimetown Detroit or helping the homeless. He is scandal ridden and refuses to resign, which isn't exactly leading anything; its trying to save his own ass. And his mother is the congressperson from that district, so this must be doing wonders for her acid reflux.

4) Adolf Hitler, a minor figure in 20th century history, never known for his eccentricities, once planned to destroy Berlin himself and rebuild it. His plans included a 180,000 seat dome facility which, if full, would cause rainfall inside the dome because of the occupants' breath. Fascinating, but I still tend to agree with Eddie Izard: "Hitler was a mass murdering fuckhead."

Well, that's about it. It's like Tom says in Tennessee Williams' play The Glass Menagerie:Every time you come in yelling that God damn ‘Rise and Shine!’ ‘Rise and Shine!’ I say to myself, ‘How lucky dead people are!’”