Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-March 26, 2007CE

1) Baseball season is here, which can only mean one thing: I will be mediocre at fantasy baseball, once again. The Boston Red Sox battled the Oakland A's in Japan for the earliest opener in history, winning 6-5 in the 10th inning. Manny Ramirez almost hit a home run, which apparently counts for news these days because its all you hear about when you turn on the television. Oh well, Soon he will be back to his old self, dicking around in the outfield picking clover and slamming home runs while eating hot dogs. He's the latter day Babe Ruth.

2) The Hills is an insidious show. It worms its way into your life and you just can't stop watching. A year ago I was at a friend's house and several people began to watch this signature show on MTV. Now, I had never seen its predecessor, Laguna Beach, but I sat down anyway and gave it a go. At the end of the most vacuous 30 minutes of my life all I could think is how horrible these people are, how useless their lives are, and WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS NEXT!?! Troy Patterson of Slate condenses the new season premiere better than anyone could, I believe. It's one of my worst guilty pleasures, including Kathy Griffin stand-up and whores.

3) Truckers are Fat??? You don't say.

4) Well Headline Wars is won outright by CNN today with their delightfully awful Man who microwaved baby to be sentenced. It needs no explanation; a man put his 2 month old baby in a hotel microwave and turned it on, as if the mere act of putting the baby in there wasn't bad enough. Wow.

5) {Charlton Heston voice:} When will man stop playing God? When wil he realize that the progress we make, is the exact progress which will kill us all? Soylent Green is people; IT'S PEOPLE!!!!

6) It's not everyday you get to read an essay on the hangover, but today is your lucky day. Slate had a good day today here on Bearsuits Are Funny. I congratulate them, and wish to buy them the first drink of a good hangover.

Well, that's about it. It's like Franklin Sherman said: