Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-March 5, 2008CE

1) Slate wins our Headline Wars this morning with their subtle yet genteel "Why Italians grab their crotches to ward off bad luck". Apparently it's because they are stupid. Honestly. Did you know that grabbing your crotch, or wearing a phallic necklace can ward off bad luck and possibly generate good luck? Did you know nuns were bad luck? Did you know that the Romans fucked little boys like it was going out of style, and thank god it did? Stereotypes are apparently not just for Italian Americans, but for their pure blood cousins.

2) NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOhaha I'm just kidding. It's sad when someone dies, sure, but I'm not going to extol the virtues of the man who invented dorks.

3) Surprisingly, it took me this long to tell you the Brett Favre story. The Brett Favre story begins in the backwoods of Mississippi where the cocky young gunslinger threw his way out of also ran Southern Miss to the highest levels of football: third string for the Atlanta Falcons. But his story doesn't end there, no sir. Our man Brett made the move to chilly Lambeau Field and the also ran Green Bay Packers, where he worked hard and led his team to the movie theatre to watch his cameo in There's Something About Mary. His dedicated teammates will tell you the one thing they will remember most about the retiring record setter is how hard he laughed when that dog clamped down on Ben Stiller's nutsack. So from the state of Wisconsin, Peter King of SI, and especially Jerry Glanville, I say good night, sweet prince. All hail Aaron Rodgers!

Well, that's about it. It's like Brett Favre said: "I'm pretty boring really."