Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-March 6, 2008CE

1) Headline Wars heat up this morning with two viable options, but one clear winner. Our runner up comes from perennial contender CNN with Woman gives birth to identical in-vitro triplets. One thing about these kids: they have nail polish applied to tell the individual kids apart, because honestly the parents cant tell yet. Cool, fine; I would have to tattoo something on their foreheads to tell, but what they did was put a drop of maroon polish on a different finger. Am I insane, but isn't the better plan to just use different colors? And why does that make me angry? Am I Wilford Brimley?

The First place winner comes from The Old Gray Lady with Man Killed as House Explodes Near Pittsburgh. It is almost an automatic win for any article to win with the word explode in the headline. Let me be perfectly clear: A house in Pittsburgh was there, and 30 seconds it wasn't; it EXPLODED!! Lethal Weapon shit. Natural Gas leak, which I know about. We had a small one for a while. Then my house exploded!! No--it didn't. dammit.

2) Whoever notices this crap needs a metal in picky shit, but it did produce an interesting article. Prince Harry served in Afghanistan with his usual mop of red hair atop his noggin. How is that, you, the American used to shaven heads on all your soldiers, ask? Turns out not every army on earth wants their soldiers to look like walking penises. It's up to the individual commanders in the British Army. Interesting. Now if we can only get our soldiers to stop riding around on Honda motorcycles and hitting on high school girls, we might be able to win in Iraq.

3) This is a pretty cool item, for those of you who love the feel and sound of vinyl, but hate having to lug around your record player in the car each time you go to the store. This new turntable has a built-in USB connection to rip your vinyl to your computer. I am behind that technology, mainly because it marks a resurgence of turntables in general. For a few years it was hard to find any equipment for record players. Welcome to a big bowl of pot and a Cream album, or as I like to call it, church.

4) This must be what it felt like when Elvis or James Dean died. Patrick Swayze, most known for his role as the 30 year old man who fucked a 14 year old girl in Dirty Dancing, has pancreatic cancer. And although the prognosis is not as dire as initially reported in the National Inquirer, (WTF?!? The National Inquirer got something right, and in turn embellished and falsified the information? I think not, from the newspaper of record) but its still not great. We here at Bearsuits wish him all the good luck and hope he needs to fight this cancer, as we do to all those fighting diseases or disabilities (Nic Cage, mental retardation: not included).

5) Go. Away.

6) Freddy Couples, the golfer, is an affable guy and I don't know if I have heard anything bad about the guy. He was enjoying a second career as a broadcaster, and then just began playing more. Then he started to do well. I for one am glad that a guy can continue to play well on the pro circuit that late in his career. Now he is the captain of the President's cup team, a great honor for a golfer.

Wow, that was a long one. I leave you with my favorite new movie trailer, The Foot Fist Way. It's going to be great (Headphones, if you are at work). Just wait for the uppercut; you'll know what I mean. Enjoy: