Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-April 1, 2008CE

1) Former Senator Mike Gravel, who was running for president on the Democratic ticket, has switched to the Libertarian Party to continue his fight for the White House. And by fight I mean waste all his money. Here is another thing: I knew Don Quixote was still in the race, but what I didn't know is the last year he was a Senator was 1981. I wasn't even born the last time this guy held elected office. There comes a time when a man must put down his tools, take off his apron and walk away from the whole thing to go make bird houses and slip quietly into senility. Your time is now, Mike.

2) Baseball is back, boys and girls, and I got home from work yesterday just in time to see the last bit of the Cubs game. And in typical Cubs fashion they battle back and blow it. But we do have 161 games left so anything is possible. Hey, you know it's just like my grandmother always said, "100th time's a charm."

3) The LSU women did what they do best: proving the LSU men to be a bunch of pansy-ass dickwarmers by making it to their fifth consecutive final four in the women's NCAA tournament. What are we, Tennessee? Oops, that doesn't work this year. How about UConn? Yea, screw them!

4) Oh my god with the nerdery. Just stop bitching. Of course a computer screen can't display a million colors. Everyone knows that, you jagoffs. If you are having such a goddamn problem with the millionth color, just use ONE OF THE COLORS YOU KNOW IT WILL DISPLAY. Why does everyone have to be so stupid all the fucking time.

5) Finally, this is why I love the city of Milwaukee. I visited at the end of last summer for baseball, and I am pretty sure I ended up in this Sixth district. I guess that because I remember the

desolate stretches of liquor stores, beauty supply shops, storefront churches and vacant lots

and was pretty sure we were going to die. But for tourists who just so happen to be alcoholics there is no better place; perhaps Denver equals it on the beerfront. Every Friday is a fish fry. I say that without giving a location, because locations are not needed. Every business and restaurant and brewery and church and everything everywhere has a fish fry every Friday. Its amazing. The nightlife was good, its no New Orleans, but what is? Maybe I should contact the Chamber of Commerce for some compensation if I am going to spend all my time blowing Milwaukee in the back of an alleyway all day here.

Well, that's about it. It's like Albert Brooks as Al Percolo in The Scout said: "God never said people make mistakes; where did you hear that shit? He said honor thy mother, and thy father, and thy Yankee contract!"