Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-March 31, 2008CE

1) In NCAA Tournament news, chalk wins the day as all four number one seeds advance to the final four, a first in tournament history. Cinderella darling Davidson had a last second chance to beat Kansas but blew the bunny leaving Kansas, UCLA, North Carolina and Memphis vying for the National Title. Let's wish them all good luck, but especially Memphis because that's who I have winning the whole thing. Thank you and good night.

2) I don't play a lot of video games, but this guy sure does, and boy howdy is he pissed about it. He's more than a little ticked off that the Nintendo Wii's live online gaming service is "primitive" compared to the X-Box's online service. And he will explain why in great detail. AND YOU WILL CARE!!!!!!

3) Finally we will get to the bottom of this whole Stonehenge thing. Then we can finally turn our attention to more worthy causes, like the cure for cancer and Adam Sandler's poor film choices.

4) Oh, this just became my favorite story ever. The judges for the outdated and irrelevant Miss USA pageant were announced. They include Shawne Merriman, who probably has the experience judging strippers, and Rob Schneider, who am sure has paid for sex with girls who have never seen an evening gown. The best one though is Heather Mills. You might remember Ms. Mills as the woman who broke your favorite Beatles's heart. More importantly, how is she going to judge a contestants gait when she hobbles around on a Louisville Slugger? Yes, Bearsuits Are Funny: Your headquarters for making fun of the disabled.

5) Louisiana just can't catch a break. When all your experienced and respected congressmen are retiring, and one of your senators is a sexaholic with no rep, a good thing to do is to oust the one remaining voice which can get something, anything, done. I fucking hate rural conservative white trash.

6) Headline Wars is won today by two grim, awful stories, which nevertheless grab your attention through their brutal headlines. The runner-up, Police: Dad killed kids in hotel, then called front desk, is self explanatory. Guy kills his kids, seems to be happening more often lately. I think its the fluoride in the water. Our winner is Fetus found on plane in Houston. I am just glad this horrible person didn't go the cliche route and leave it at Prom Night. That's so Sixteen Candles.

Well, that's about it. It's like Paul McCartney said: "Somebody said to me, 'But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.' That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, 'Now, let's write a swimming pool'."