Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-April 29, 2008CE

1) Good. I hate Kenny Chesney with the heat of a thousand white suns. He is a prancing tool who wears a cowboy hat and no shirt. No one is calling Matthew McConaughey Spencer Tracy; why do people insist on calling this guy a country artist. If Beyonce referenced a wheat thresher in her next song would she rocket up the country charts? Think about that America, next time you listen to Kenny Chesney or watch ABC primetime programming. Think about how you are contributing to the decline of western civilization.

2) If you ever thought you heard of the most fucked up thing ever, then brother, hold on to your fucking socks: An Austrian man kidnapped his daughter, kept her locked in his own basement (in the house he shared with his wife) and raped her repeatedly for 24 years, fathering 7 children with her. The steel door to the basement had a code lock so the wife couldn't get in, and apparently she never thought to ask or even be curious as to what a man would need with a steel door with an electronic combination lock to his basement. Eastern Europeans: Keeping Tenuous Ties With Basic Humanity Since 1057.

3) {Insert your own basic Jerry Springer Joke here}

4) In sports, The Rocket used to spend his time firing his thrusters into a 15 year old country singer. If I can make a more tasteless joke please let me know. I always want to improve myself. Larry Brown, possibly the only man to coach all 30 NBA teams and 280 of the 329 Division I schools, has signed on to coach the Charlotte Bobcats. I give him as long as I give that Austrian man to live once he gets to jail. Prison politics man; you can't rape, it's just not right. And kids involved, come on: he's gonna be dead by nightfall. The Atlanta Hawks stunned juggernaut Boston Celtics to even out their first round playoff series at 2-2. The Boston Threeparty needs to figure something out, or Kevin Garnett is going to be one embarrassed boy.

Well, that's about it. It's like Christopher Hitchens said: "He combines the body of an ox with the brains of a gnat. Indeed, if his brains were made of gunpowder and were to accidentally explode, the resulting bang would not be enough to disarrange his hair."