Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-April 30, 2008CE

1) The man who invented LSD has died. Abbie Hoffman was a god to hippies, mainly because the effect of the drug allowed hippies to congregate in large assemblies and not smell each other. Otherwise they would die.

2) Finally I can sleep knowing that no member of the immediate family of Czar Nicholas II survived the bloody communist uprising. That shit has been bugging me for years.

3) Religion of any stripe is awesome. This is just more proof.

4) So if you were thinking of going to a service academy and playing elite NFL quality football, then choose wisely. I understand most of my readers are in this situation.

5) In sports, the New Orleans Hornets defeated the Dallas Mavericks to go ahead to the second round of the playoffs. This is big for the New Orleans area and their superstar point guard, Chris Paul. Yay. Also, Spurs over Suns, Houston over Utah, and Detroit over Philadelphia.

6) *Knock Knock Knock* "Who is it?" "Landshark." "Who?" "Landshark." "Landshark?" "Landshark." "Oh I've heard about you. you eat people when they open their doors! I'm not letting you in." *Knock Knock Knock* "Who is it?" "Candy gram." "Oh well, o---No wait, I bet you're that Landshark!" *Knock Knock Knock* "Who is it?" "UNICEF." Oh, well UNICEF, I'll be happAAAARRRGGHHHHHHHH!"

7) Newsweek has some tips on how to use your new Tax Rebate stimulus check. My suggestion: don't use it to buy Newsweek.

8) Secret lives are awesome. Like the guy who came forth in like 1920 and said he was Jesse James. People believed him, and still do to this day. Also, people are idiots. You can find this kind of information for life here at Bearsuits Are Funny everyday.

Well, that's about it. It's like I said: "Today sucks."