Post Meridiem Eye Openers-April 8, 2008 CE

1) Those who have had signs of depression are more likely to develop Alzheimer's disease. This brings the official list of factors leading to this horrible condition to 1,000,007, including being fat, being skinny, being tall, being short, being blond and being brunette. If you happen to fall under any of these categories, or any combination thereof, then buckle up sister, because you are going to lose your fucking mind. And soon. I wish doctors would stop finding out what minor conditions exist in those who suffer from Alzheimer's and just find the goddamn cure. I don't need to know that the calzone I ate in '98 is what led to my brain disappearing. I just need you to stop my brain from disappearing.

2) Memphis couldn't make their free throws, which is just about all anyone can talk about this morning. They blew the bunny last night giving Kansas it's first NC since 1988. And to that I say goodbye and a rousing "blah" to the college basketball season. We hardly knew ya, and more importantly, we hardly cared.

3) Those crazy yankees; they'll sink anything. Always trying to save the environment or something. Now excuse me while I deep fry something and eat it.

4) I can say this with absolute certainty: I would never enter into a incestuous relationship with my father. It's just one of those minor rules I have for myself.

5) Don't worry, it's not just the French and British who want to disrupt the Olympic flame. As the world's only remaining Stuff White People Like nation, I mean superpower, it is our duty to fuck up a tradition which is meant to honor the spirit of international competition as well as our native athletes who represent our country in what is meant to promote peace and unity throughout the world. Guess what assholes: The International Olympic Committee isn't going to make its decisions based on territory disputes and human rights violations. They make it based on money. Fucking up a great thing (the relay) only makes you look like jerks. Keep fighting for your causes or whatever, because I sure don't want you working with me, but try to be civilized about it. It makes you look as bad as those PETA fucks who throw paint on passersby because they looked inside a shop window as they walked past.

6) In Science News today, we now know that big stars might not necessarily supernova. Which is good for us. And by us I mean the superevolved energy beings we will have turned into in the 6 billion years it will take for our sun to turn into a red giant, enveloping our world, and then reducing to a superhot white dwarf. We might soon learn that the Higgs Boson, the particle which gives other particles inside an atom their mass might soon be discovered. Or not. It's a made up fiction right now. So just wait on the edge of your seat for this one.

7) What a lying fat liar. My memories of him are tarnished forever. The walls of my heart have come tumbling down.

8) I L-O-V-E his pizzas.

Well, that's about it. It's like Groucho Marx, as Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding, said to Mrs. Rittenhouse and Mrs. Whitehead in Animal Crackers: "Yes, I don't think I've ever seen four more beautiful eyes in my life. Well, three anyway. You know, you two girls have everything. You're tall and short and slim and stout and blond and brunette, and that's just the kind of a girl I crave. We three would make an ideal couple. Why, you've got beauty, charm, money. You have got money, haven't you? 'Cause if you haven't, we can quit right now."