1) Legendary actor, gun nut, and sufferer of senility (which might explain the gun stuff) Charlton Heston died this weekend. You might remember Heston as Moses in The Ten Commandments, but I choose to remember him for his turn as the narrator in the best movie of all time, Armageddon.
I'm just kidding, that movie is awful.
2) I've selected this next gentleman to the People I Most Wish Would Go Away Forever Hall of Fame, located in Camden, New Jersey. When he had the vocal chord trouble I thought our long national nightmare was over, but oh far from it, Johnny. He'll be here...FOREVER!!!
3) On Friday I brought the Texas "Pole Tax" to your attention, and today we find out the best named law in the history of laws has been deemed unconstitutional by some old fuddy duddy judge who wants to keep seeing his prime Texas beef for free. I keep trying to figure out a freedom of assembly/stripper's vagina joke, but it's just not gelling.
4) I remember back in '88 when I was the initial frontrunner for the Democratic nomination. Boy howdy, I had it in the bag. And then that young upstart Dukakis came along and just blew me out of the water with his charisma and charm. Just goes to show you it ain't over 'till it's over.
5) Let's just get to some other stuff. The man who bought the domain name pizza.com in 1994 for 20 bucks a year just sold it for 2.6 million dollars. Too bad he didn't own the domain name LindsayLohanSuckyFucky.com. That would have been quite fortuitous. I've been to space. Me and Richard Branson did it back in '98. We floated around for a little bit, had cocktails and came home. No big deal. A man was arrested for throwing a hedgehog at a 15 year old boy. No word yet on the number of gold rings collected at the crime scene. Dean Kamen, inventor of GOB Bluth's favorite mode of transportation, has invented a way to purify water and make electricity for billions. This guy is crazy genius.
6) In sports, the Detroit Tigers aren't doing so hot. In fact, they are winless this season, despite being an early favorite in the American League. Which just proves my point, The American League stinks. There, I said it. Kansas plays Memphis is the Men's National Finals for the right to hoist the most boring major NCAA trophy in all of sports. I am going for Memphis, mostly because I don't know what a Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk means, nor do I want to know about the voodoo magic that goes on in Kansas, Land of Nothing. And the Lady Vols of Tennessee edged out LSU in the Women's Final Four to put them into the National Championship-again. This was LSU's 5th straight trip to the Final Four, and their 5th straight loss in the Final Four. Obviously there is something supernatural going on. And douche bag protesters are harping on and on about how the Chinese government kills their citizens and its like living in hell or some such nonsense. So they decide to try to fuck up the Olympic Torch relay. Bush league.
Well, that's about it. And there was a lot of it. Shit, I mean. It's like Ben Folds said: "It's not safe, but yeah, I can flip a piano over. You take it on this side where there's not really as much weight."
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