Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-May 22, 2008CE

1) The new American Idol is David Cook. BAM! Spoiler in the first damn sentence! The first episode of American Idol I watched was Tuesday, the finale performance, and I commented that I would vote for Cook and he just has more personality, if not the better voice. Of course I knew everything about American Idol, being a regular listener to the Tony Kornheiser Show. Mr. Tony is just about American Idol central.

2) This is one of the worst disasters in Chinese, or really, world history. The Chinese people are still reeling after a magnitude 7.9 earthquake has forced the government to postpone the Olympic Torch relay through the Sichuan Province. If they cease exportation of their delicious chicken and beef products, it will be a dark day for all.

3) In sports, Kobe Bryant and the Lakers pulled out from behind a 20 point deficit to take the first game of the Western Conference Finals from the San Antonio Spurs. Manchester United beat Chelsea in the Champions League final. Please don't ask me anything about Man U., Chelsea, the Champions League or Malcolm Glazers beard. I say this to Tony Sparano and Bill Parcells and the entire Miami Dolphins organization: Jason Taylor was the only player you had that even tried, so pissing him off and shunning him for being in the stupid dancing contest might not have been that great of an idea for a club who won as many games as President Bush has choked on pretzels.

4) What will Hilary do? Besides reminisce about killing Vernon Jordan? HA! But all early 90's political falsehoods aside, who really cares. I doubt Obama really wants her as a running mate, so she could continue to be a Senator, or she could just sit back and make the millions of dollars she is so good at making.

5) In science, the moon explodes, a star explodes, and this dog is going to implode. And that's science!!!

6) FUCK!!

Well, that's about it. It's like Keith Olbermann said: "Most of us have learned to simply accept the fact that Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. exists in the world, just as we've come to accept that there are terrorists among us, as well as people who scam grandmothers out of their savings."