Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-May 21, 2008CE

1) "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it"--W.C. Fields. Keeping that axiom in mind, Hilary Clinton responded to Barack Obama's attaining a majority of delegates. Oh and I meant the implied you. You should keep that axiom in mind, because Clinton is obviously living in her own world of wasting her own money along with her supporters, keeping the general election from beginning while John McCain spends his off time getting transfusions and prostate exams, and just annoying people with her insistence that she can win. Perhaps if Obama dies between the first ballot and the second, then Clinton has a chance.

2) Will Eastwood Reprise His Dirty Harry Role? Of fucking course not. But leave it up to USA Today to tease the shit out of something that has no tease whatsoever. What I keep forgetting is Clint Eastwood is 78 years old. What I never forget is he did first person research in the Old West for Unforgiven when he went to Hill Valley, circa 1885. Hence, the Eastwood Ravine.

3) In Sports, that's all there is. Everything else is boring. Ted Kennedy has a brain tumor, but so do millions of people around the world, and those people can't afford spaghetti-o's, let alone powering through their illness to attend a regatta. So...sports: The Celtics are one game closer to the league finals, beating the Detroit Pistons in the first game of the conference finals. Brady Quinn rubs his crank raw thinking about this guy, so he must be locked in his bathroom right now with the news that the Atlanta Falcons have signed Boston College QB Matt Ryan to a 6 year, $72 million contract. That almost seems like they have given up on Mike Vick... Part of me wonders how you get stabbed in the neck and also commit involuntary manslaughter, but whatever. NFL players really need to stay as far away from anything in Alabama and Georgia as possible.

4) Finally, in his own bullet, Mike Piazza, possibly the best hitting catcher ever, has retired...six weeks after zero teams (not even the Royals) would pick him up. That's like July '09 rolling around and Bush announcing he's leaving the presidency. It's hard to guess how Mike will drum up controversy regarding his alleged homosexuality when he is not in the spotlight of Athletics baseball.

Well, that's about it. I leave you with the musical list of things that Republican presidential canidate Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) is older than. Enjoy: