Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-May 6, 2008CE

1) Seriously, 20,000 people dead from a typhoon, or hurricane, is a mind-boggling number. And I don't want to drop a surprise on your head, but Burma wasn't exactly doing so great before the storm. If we follow the logic of the late supreme-fuckhead Jerry Falwell, then God hates Southeast Asia more than Sodom and Gomorrah, Britney Spears and The Kennedy's combined. The Tsunami, and now this. Good thing they don't have the Teletubbies.

2) There is nothing more insipid and syrupy than christian rock. If you don't believe me, check out the mega hit anthem "Our God is an Awesome God". 3 lines in you will want to rip the speakers out of the wall and smash them on an altar. I can't believe that the loving omnipotent God in which these songs try to pay homage would allow such uncreative and downright bad songs to permeate the subculture of Christianity.

3) In sports, The New Orleans Hornets crawled up the back of the San Antonio Spurs and danced a jig on their faces to the tune of 102-84 to go ahead 2 games to none in their conference semi-final round. The Pistons defeated the Orlando Magic, leaving America to wonder: if the Magic are in the playoffs, who built the time portal to 1992? Looks like Kobe Bryant is this year's MVP. And finally, never go to the liquor store and get into a fight about baseball with this lady. A playful tete-a-tete can soon turn into reckless second degree murder. And who said liquor turns you mean?? or stupid?

4) I can only imagine that these Disney shows, with the pop star girl; the one about twins who live in a hotel; the one that proclaims itself to be 'so raven', which I am assuming is a good thing (?), are as bad as I think they are. Or possibly they are even worse than I can imagine. Who knows? All I know is that they make kids stupid. They make them stupid and unfunny. I would imagine my parents weren't too thrilled to see me watching Comedy Central at age 9, but I'll be dammed if it didn't do most of the teaching. Teaching me what constituted humor, and who and why those who are in the humor business are. What passes for jokes in kid's television are pasteurized situations where a 10 year old makes a pass at an 18 year old girl and gets rejected. That's not funny; that's the babysitter. Cartoons used to have enough content to entertain and stimulate curiosity in a child while his or her brain developed a personality. Tiny Toons and Animanics, Rocko's Modern Life and Ren and Stimpy all had ties to pop culture and the real world. You didn't know it, but the Animanics were teaching you about Gilbert and Sullivan. You didn't know it, but George Wendt was a real guy, and he had nothing to do with beans. But it was funny as hell, and soon you would find out why. Getting the joke every time isn't the point. If it was, then all humor would be one long fart joke. It's growing and developing the potential to get the joke, and Disney does all it can to retard growth in young people. Children now grow up believing that if they don't understand something, then it must be stupid and unimportant. Part of the blame can be laid at the feet of overprotective parents who feel that if a child sees something they don't understand, it will turn them into a juvenile delinquent. But that's another topic...

Well, finally, that's about it. It's like Crappie Jack on Rocko's Modern Life said: "Arr, and then, I heard a scream so loud it could be heard down in Davy Jones' locker. Mickey Dolenz's locker too, and Peter Tork's locker. All the Monkees had lockers..."