Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-June 16, 2008

Good Morning readers. This is your daily dose of news and notes from the fine people at Bearsuits Are Funny. Since Russell's body is slowly revolting against him from the inside, I, Tison, have been asked to head up the team of monkeys and trilingual elves that scour the Internets looking for news and notes that might be of interest to anyone who happens to find this website and have about 10 minutes of their already worthless lives to kill.

Since this my first time as "Lead Researcher/Heroin Mule," as Russell is so fond of calling his "position," I cannot promise the exciting and complete look into the world's news that you have become so used to.

Here is my shot and since I have two weeks to do this then it might get better with each passing day, or it might not and you can kiss my ass and get a real life and by real life I mean one where one of your main sources of happiness and news for that matter is not some half-wit website which isn't even independently hosted. On with the news....

1. Tiger Woods continues to remind the world that he is not only a robot, but a super advanced robot whose circuitry and processors do not even allow him to feel the adverse affects of pain. This might not seem like a big deal to some of you but he hurt his knee and, in case you are from another planet, he plays golf. If I have to explain how important your knees are to you in golf, with the swinging of the club and the walking around, then I would also have to ask you how you ever learned to read without a brain and what you were doing on this website.

2. The Los Angeles Lakers forced a Game Six against the Boston Celtics last night with a win (103-98) in game five. The series moves back to Boston on Tuesday for Game Seven. This bit of information is not funny but it is certainly accurate.

This is also the last bit of sports news I will do for the day so do not get your assholes clinched and run and tell Russell, "Tison doesn't do any real news, he only writes about sports. BooHoo." I am getting to the shit that no one actually cares about.

Besides, if you rely on this website for all of your news then I feel sorry for you but I love the support you are giving Russell and the monkeys/elves we hired to work with him. They have the lowest self esteem and need constant affirmation of their personal worth to us...especially Russell.

3. Slate Magazine, Microsoft's answer to Bearsuits are Funny, has a bunch of writers who expel so much hot air, that Al Gore is considering getting the EPA to look into the damage they are causing the planet. But here is an article about how women who were going to vote for Hilary Clinton might vote for John McCain. Acutally, I am not sure I just looked at the headline really. Feel free to read it but once you remember you didn't graduate with honors from Harvard's English program and the words the author is using have too many syllables you will understand why I hate Slate Magazine.

4. This article reminds us how crazy and evil people in this world can be. Stomping a toddler to death? Really? I wish those cops wouldn't have killed this guy so I can run over to his jail cell and get my wolverine to rip his balls off his still breathing but badly ravaged body. However, I am glad those cops killed that guy. Hell is the perfect summer hot spot, HA, for this type of douchebag.

5. Now there is one more state where I might be relocating after I get done with my full decade in college.

Ok, I think I am going to wrap this thing up for today. I hope everyone has a great day filled with love, laughter, happiness, and reputable news sources. I will leave you with this pretty funny JPEG for Father's Day. Look real hard at the company who is doing this advertisement, its pretty funny.