Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-June 6, 2008CE

**SPECIAL D-DAY EDITION**

1) The scary thing about the illegal wiretapping thing is that I'm actually on the fence. As a person who doesn't do anything illegal (in Thailand) I have no reason to worry if some guy in Cleveland listens to 20 seconds of a random phone call. All he's going to hear is me pleading with the agency to send over a real woman this time. But on the other hand, it seems to be a huge fuck you to privacy rights and civil liberties. So it's a coin toss...

2) Presumptive Democratic nominee Sen. Barack Obama met with Presumptive housewife (where she BELONGS!!!) Sen. Hilary Clinton Thursday night to discuss party unity and pineapple upsidedown cake and pretty, pretty ponies. Then they floated away on a candy cloud and ate ice cream with Rainbow Brite. I don't know what the hell they talked about, it was probably Clinton saying "I'll take the number 2 spot." and Obama doing a crossword.

3) In Sports, for the first time this playoffs I actually watched some of the game that I then talked about in the AMEO. Boston looked really good. They won. What else do you want from me? Well, of course he wouldn't come right out and just say I hate this kid, lets kick him to the curb. You don't get any money that way. For Nick, who inexplicably likes the faltering, headless Raiders, corpse-in-chief Al Davis signed Darren McFadden to a $60mil contract, unlike last year when JaMarcus Russell fucked his rookie season in the ass with it's pants still on. And, finally, Rick Reilly, noted caboose of Sports Illustrated, jumped ship over to ESPN the magazine and began his tenure as the humorous deep conscious of "the 'Zine" by pouring a sob story about his drunk dad and how golf and booze ruined his life. Cry me a river, Mencken.

4) Here is the summary: Oil will go down in price. it's the way the economy works. If you want the details, then read here.

5) In Science, NASA Administrator Michael Griffin totally burned the European Space Agency, telling them to get off their lazy French asses and build a fucking shuttle already. Then he peaced out that bitch. In other news, excavators took 25 feet of sand away to find the base of an ancient obscure pyramid. Which seems like a big trouble for just about nothing. But, it's Egypt, so I can't imagine anything else is more important.

6) Just confirming what Jesse Ventura said about religion ("It's a crutch") there are christian gyms. And to let you know just how weak willed and small-minded the clientele is, here is what a Princeton Professor said:

“These are places where fitness is important, not sex or vanity,” Professor Griffith said. “It’s supposed to be that we’re not going to forget we’re Christian here. There’s a sense of comfort around people with the same moral values as you have; no one’s going to rock your world.”

If your entire psyche and self-image is that of a christian how is 45 minutes in a gym going to shake you to your very core?? Christ people, just stay home if you think that fitness centers are the very worst that society has to offer. I do agree with the clothing thing, spaghetti straps to work out in just isn't functional, but I'm certainly not going to complain about them. Everything about these people just screams attention whore. I direct you to the bottom of the article: what stranger is just walking up to you every morning asking what you are talking about? That doesn't happen; do these lambs think that movies are reality, because that seems to be their worldview. I'm pretty sure that nowhere in the bible does it say that to be a good christian you must shun society and live in a fucking cave, mental or otherwise. What these people have is a social anxiety complex and they make drugs for that.

7) Let's get through some of this other miscellaneous crap:

• A Brief History of the Fist Bump, by Stephen Hawking
• Ohio. That's all the explanation needed
• Japan. Again, no explanation necessary
• In case there was any question, Spike Lee is a dick, and Clint Eastwood is more man than you could ever hope to be in a million years.

Well, that's about it. It's like Sir Kingsley Amis said: “The human race has not devised any way of dissolving barriers, getting to know the other chap fast, breaking the ice, that is one-tenth as handy and efficient as letting you and the other chap, or chaps, cease to be totally sober at about the same rate in agreeable surroundings.”