Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-June 5, 2008CE

1) Senator Hilary Clinton is expected to concede at an event on Saturday. This is a move that surprises no one, considering she cannot win the nomination. It's a wonder she goes out on a limb like that... There is trouble in Trinity, as Jeremiah Wright just can't seem to let go of his church for the new guy, Otis Moss. It's surprising, a guy who just got national prominence not wanting to retire.

2) Oh man, me and everyone I know would be the worst Chinese kids ever... This testing system sounds insane; your score determines your job and life. Of course these people have a baby limit, so personal freedom isn't exactly on the front burner. In related news, BEIJING 2008!!! Olympic Fever-Catch It!

3) In Sports, The Detroit Red Wings have captured their 356th Stanley Cup, which seems impossible considering the NHL is 91 years old. They beat a young, tenacious Pittsburgh Penguins team on their home ice to hoist the cup for the 4th time in 11 years, a stat which will be in the first line of every story in your local newspaper, local, sports, style, doesn't matter. Big Brown, the odds on favorite to win the first triple crown in 30 years, has drawn the post position for this Saturday's race. The one spot has produced the most winner at Belmont, but Big Brown doesn't seem to need the help, especially with only 9 other horses in the field. And that, my friends, is the kind of spot-on handicapping you can only get here on Bearsuits Are Funny.

4) AAAWWWWWWWW!!!1!

5) In Science, Fucking. Sweet!!

But those embryos exposed to crabs much preferred to hunt crabs after hatching.
And the clearer the view of the crabs they were given, the greater their taste
for it.

Their taste--FOR BLOOD!!!! Also, Old Faithful is getting lazy, so plan your extremely boring family vacation accordingly. Look: A leaf!

Well, that's about it. It's like I just thought to myself: "I am really using way too many exclamation points!!"