Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-July 1, 2008CE

1) Utah is the first state to go almost completely to the 4 day work week for state employees. As a state employee myself I'm not sure what I think about this trend. I think I'm about 75% in favor of this, because even if I have to work till 7 each night to make up for the lost time on Fridays, I would still have a 3 day weekend. Of course, I'm lazy, so we always have to count that in the equation.

2) I remember this story from 2005, when these dolts got attacked by chimps while trying to give a fucking birthday cake to their own chimp/son. If you end up being barren, just get a dog. Because unless you get a great dane you can usually have a little bit of power over your own dog. Chimps have superhuman strength and are only one or two genes from being human--which pretty much puts them in the University of Miami offensive line.

3) In sports, speaking of superhumans, Tiger Woods spoke publicly for the first time since his season ending surgery last Tuesday, and if you had any doubt that he is a cyborg with one programmed directive--to win--then you were wrong. Other than that, the Tampa Bay Rays are the best team in baseball, the sky is yellow, and stamps are made out of roast beef.

4) It's time for the New York Times' weekly article on Louisiana government, this time on the foolhardy attempt by the state legislature to give themselves a massive raise. Turns out the public isn't so keen on lawmakers giving themselves more money, on top of that which we silently allow them to skim off the top of porkbarrel projects and oil and gas revenues. There is only so much corruption that even the state which produced our nation's only socialist dictator, Huey P. Long, can stomach.

5) This guy is great. He spends his days impersonating a federal law enforcement official from the task force on Beverly Hills Cop and just busts down doors ridding this small town of its crippling meth problem. At some point you have to take into account that all this guy did was good. Oh, he needs to go to jail for his crime, but I just hope the judge takes his good deeds into account.

6) And finally, WWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT???!!!???!!!??? Him? And her? Yea, that makes sense.

Well, that's about it. It's like Sally's Aunt Agnes said on The Dick Van Dyke Show: "Man is like the drifting snow. It comes down in small flurries and piles up against the door, and before long you can't get out of the house."