Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-July 10, 2008CE

1) Once again Jesse Jackson fucks his own world up by opening his mouth. It's just about time for Jesse to head into retirement. The kind of fights he is fighting (i.e. losing) don't need his kind of help. Color me stupid, but I think Barack Obama, Democratic Presidential Nominee, United States Senator from Illinois, All-Star goalie for the Chicago Blackhawks, and spiritual guide for Billy Graham's family can handle his own campaign thankyouverymuch.

2) Isn't it always like that?!? If I had a nickle for every time the love for my wife dissipated during an extended kidnapping I'd have 19 nickles...

3) In sports, Elton Brand is moving to Philadelphia after putting his fist directly up the butthole of the LA Clippers. But what is the worst part about this story isn't the story at all. It's the story about the story. Because the douchenozzle who wrote the garbage had this to say about Brand, basketball player and aspiring movie producer:

Forced by a contract ultimatum Brand would not accept, the would-be movie mogul and two-time NBA All-Star instead opted to take his production east and see his name roll on the credits of Philadelphia’s roster.

Get it!?!?! He's involved in movies! Asshole.

Also, Rich Rodriguez (read: The University of Michigan) will be paying West Virginia a ton of cash after bolting the Mountaineers for the job in Ann Arbor.

4) Awesome. Everything RDJ touches turns to tits. And that's a good thing. And have you heard they made a new Batman movie? I hear it's supposed to be coming out soon, but I don't know much about it...

5) Finally: Stop it already! No one cares. They never did. They care about their own lives. They don't give a damn about this.

Well, that's about it. It's like George Harrison wrote: "If you're listening to this song-You may think the chords are going wrong-But they're not-We just wrote it like that"