Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-August 11, 2008CE

1) This must be the best Olympics on record, because President Bush has deemed them acceptable in his eyes. And really, that's all the endorsement I need. But Michael Phelps is still on his way to becoming the most honored athlete in Olympic history. And the opening ceremonies were amazing. They painted a huge painting using the dancing and such during the ceremonies, plus they used the largest LCD screen in the world, some 250 feet long. What I am trying to say is that I am moving to China. Because with two, you get egg roll.

2) Are you tired of having to log in to Facebook and mySpace both in one day? Do you hate the effort it takes to look at your friends photos on fickr? Do you need an energy pill each morning because you stayed up too late wondering what your friend was watching on youtube? Well FriendFeed is here to help you collate everything on the internet onto one page. Never again will your fingers go numb while you needlessly type in password after password just to find out that your 3rd grade classmate had an omelet for breakfast. Because when you don't know tiny personal and intimate details about everyone you've ever met, the the terrorists have won.

3) In sports, The Tampa Bay Rays improbable season continues to astound, not in the least, the Tampa Bay Rays, as they pick up their 71st win, marking their best season in franchise history. The Rays are the feel good story of this entire season, and I for one hope they continue to have one good year out of many, many shitty ones.
Over at Newsweek, they have made a list of the top 12 rivalries in the collegiate realm. They begin with the first one, Harvard and Yale, and end up somewhere, because I don't have time to read a 7 page article before I write about it. I'm barely making this before 11 each day anyway. Get off my fucking back!!!!

4) Three words: Animal. Massage. Industry. Why, you ask? Why not, is my reply.

5) In entertainment, Screw you, future me! Possibly one of the funniest lines I have ever read from Slate, whose Seth Stevenson goes through the most hated commercials of late.
Yesterday the music world lost a legend, when Issac Hayes was found dead in his home, a victim of an apparent heart attack. If you are listening to music today then you are most likely listening to Hayes' influence. He helped create the Stax sound which put funk and soul on the front burner of American culture.

6) When have you been traveling and realized you forgot your cellphone charger at the hotel? Or you stood up wrong and pulled the headphones right off the wires? Well fret no more clumsy traveler: Best Buy is installing kiosks which will sell these items and more for the low, low cost of a billions dollars, I am sure.

7) Don't these assholes know the Romulans were using cloaking technology way back in 1966? Get a DVD player, scientist!

8) Let's go down to New Orleans. I mean right now; lets all get in a car and go down there. If for some crazy reason you haven't been to New Orleans, go. Mardi Gras and New Years would be the better times in my opinion, but you will never be at a loss for booze.

I leave you with the opening of Shaft. For those of you who don't know Shaft is the baddest motherfucker who ever lived, and guess what: he fucked your girlfriend. Shaft doesn't care. And he knows you won't do anything. Well, of course, the theme to Shaft was written by Issac Hayes, and he won an Oscar and Grammy for it. I used to have an old 45 (that's a small vinyl album for those of you born after 1990) of Theme from Shaft and I listened to that album every single morning before going to school. It will put you in a goddamn good mood to go tackle the day. And that's why I give it to you. Good day!