Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-August 19, 2008CE

1) This intrepid reporter will be receiving the text message when Senator Obama releases the name of his choice as running mate. He will therefore let the Bearsuits faithful know as soon as possible. And of course by as soon as possible, he means when he wakes up. And he will stop writing in third person....now.

2) I certainly wouldn't want to be down there, but turns out Tropical Storm Fay isn't as bad as it could have been. But my buddy is in Miami and he says that the storm is affecting his gay nightclubbing. Apparently they only want to get wet when its a foam party, not 65 mph winds and rain. UPDATE: I take that back. This guy is getting real, real fucked up by the storm, but in his defense, it is Fort Lauderdale, so kite surfing is probably the fastest way to the Affliction t-shirt store.

3) In sports, ESPN has managed to quantify something patently unquantifiable, by letting the fans vote on a franchise's all time franchise player. Bobby Hebert over Archie Manning for the Saints? Earl Campbell for the Titans (née Oilers)? That's kinda cheating, I think. Either way, ESPN kinda needs to stop with the lists for subjective topics. The Top Ten Best Towel Boys, is up next. For fan voting, of course.
Greg Maddux is apparently going back to the LA Dodgers. Greg Maddux, you say? Are the Dodgers having an Old-Timers Game? Unfortunately not. Greg discussed this with Brett Favre and they agree. Dragging down a playoff team late in your career is the better choice.
Shawn Johnson won the gold medal for tumbling down my balance beam with her vagina. Get it!!??!! (I'm kidding, she's 16. I have a strict rule that 14 -17 is heavy petting and blowjobs only.)

4) Really, guys, I don't want to have sex with the entire Women's Olympic gymnastics team. We are counting Bela Karoli's wife, Marta, as part of the team, right? Now, the Women's wrestling team? That's the kind of lady I can hang out with.

5) Here is a piece on what makes John McCain a genuine American hero. I would urge you to remember that spending 6 years in prison doesn't make you qualified to be president. If that was the case, then my cousin would be president in January. And since he will use a motorcade, everyone would be safe, because otherwise he'll just be driving drunk to Camp David.

Well, that's about it. It's like Ethan Embry as Mark from Empire Records said: "We mustn't dwell... no, not today. We CAN'T. Not on Rex Manning day."