Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-August 20, 2008CE

1) Sweet. I always regretted not being of a cognitive age to enjoy the peccadilloes of the Cold War. Being born too late to really enjoy the credible threats of nuclear war, I had to wade through the mundane glasnost. Well not any longer!! Relive your childhood with the NEW Cold War. Lame Duck president my ass! Bush and Co. are going to put us into a new Cold War with Stalin Jr. (Putin; work with me here people) if it kills them--and it will!

2) And remember, when the missiles attack and turn the U.S. into a smoldering cinder of death and burnt flesh, try not to be near Raleigh, NC. You might not like their special brand of health care they have down there. That special brand: none.

3) In sports, the U.S. women do what they do: win softball games. The U.S. is so dominate that softball is no longer an Olympic sport. I say that's a job well done, gals.
And, the Cubs win again. This would get boring, if I didn't like it so much.'

4) Balls Deep. That should be Ted Stevens' nickname. This guy is going to trial for corruption and wants to be able to run for reelection while he's doing it. That is the definition of Balls Deep.

5) In entertainment, A few buddies and me went to see Dave Matthews Band over the weekend, but alas it was too hot to tie our flannel around our waist and drink coffee. I noticed they had the saxophonist for Bela Fleck and the Flecktones on stage with them, but didn't think anything of it. This guy is good; I once saw him play two saxophones at once. What I didn't even think about was where the original saxophonist was. Now I know: he was in the hospital for injuries suffered during an ATV accident, and died suddenly yesterday at the age of 46. Which sucks. Dave Matthews Band is an official favorite of Bearsuits Are Funny.

6) I'm nothing if not helpful with it comes to racial terms and history, and so is Slate. Can you be Caucasian and not white? According to the crazy racist Supreme court of 1923 you can. Oh, white, land-owning, protestant, wealthy, powermongers: when will you ever learn?!?(shrugs shoulders)

7) Am I watching too much Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, because when I see the headline More than 200,000 kids spanked at school all I can think of is Ice-T berating a pervy teacher in an interrogation room. Which is weird, because according to this graph...

more graph humor and song chart memes

8) Blood is thicker than water, but nothing is thicker than money. I don't care if you are Gandhi's kids, if your brother is trying to take your money, it's fuckin' on!

9) Finally, Japan is seriously the coolest country ever. First cartoon porn on national television (rumor) and now this (fact). I think it's time for a vacation. But first I'm on my way to Paraguay... (rhymes are boss!!)

Well, that's about it. It's like what guys hear when girls talk: