Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-August 7, 2008CE

1) Being from Louisiana I generally will eat things most people in, say, Detroit, would use as fishing bait. But I have never wrapped my taste buds around oysters. The texture turns me off, as does the rampant herpes. What's that you say? Rampant herpes? Why, isn't herpes a sexually transmitted disease? Yes, it is; and oysters get it. Apparently the same way we do: sex. With Paris Hilton. BAM!!! Right off the bat with the funny this morning. I must have eaten my fucking Wheaties.

2) Jody Rosen of Slate was alerted to a suspected case of plagiarism by one of her readers so she looked into it. What she found was a plot, so deep and sinister it could barely be considered Stalinist. The alt-weekly newspaper in Montgomery County, TX is running a snowjob of an operation, and the final result could very well be deadly...

3) In sports, I really hate Brett Favre. Could someone in his family show him a book about Muhammad Ali? Ali, being the greatest ever, never knew when to hang it up, and he embarrassed his career and himself for a few years. Well, in the embarrassment of all embarrassments, Favre has been traded to the New York Jets. The Jets get to suck less than they would have, although that scarcely does the word less any justice, and Favre gets to toil in obscurity behind the Super Bowl Champion New York Giants. Congrats asshole, you told the state of Wisconsin, who would have literally died for you, to fuck off. You are full of good ideas today, Brett. Go mow your fucking yard in some wranglers and leave it alone.
The SEC is chock full of great quality coaches, and it is just such a shame that some of the new guys (Bobby Petrino) will have to stick their head in a toilet and eat what's coming to 'em from who's gonna give it to 'em(Shit; Les Miles).

4) It's gotta suck when you flip your car end over end 4 times and break all kinds of shit and then remember you are getting a divorce. So, Morgan Freeman's having quite a day. But that's OK. He knows there will always be an open spot on the couch for him at my place. Of course by couch I mean my bed, and by my bed I mean my shower, and by my shower I mean my pants, and by my pants........

Well, that's about it. It's like Jonathan Swift said: "He was a bold man that first ate an oyster."