Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-August 1, 2008CE

1) I'm sorry, but what the fuck did I tell you people? Do you ever fucking listen to me? You dicked around a missed a "rare delight". The total eclipse occurred this morning and all you did was sit around and hump the crevice formed where your mattress meets the box springs. Wake up and do something with your life!

2) I would write about this but I am so despondent about the state of affairs, I just can't focus.

3) In sports, the Cubbies finished up the 4 game sweep of the Brewers to give them a solid lead in the NL Central. Joining the blockbuster trade to Ken Griffey, Jr. to the White Sox, the Red Sox traded Many Ramirez to the LA Dodgers. Although he is a horrible fielder, his bat is unparalleled. It's just a real shame that he had to go to the NL West, the division where former greats go to retire.

4) And this, my friends, is a prime example of that a theocracy gets you. Dirty water and no dirty dancing. Evangelical Conservatism: Misappropriating Funds Since 1984!

5) The country's morale is lower than a crippled snake's belly. People are getting their heads cut off in Canada. Kim Kardashian is famous for having a fat ass. It seems like we will never pull ourselves out of the doldrums, like forever our world will be dark. And then man looks to the heavens and shining through the graphite-colored sky is a beacon. One shining ray of light to show us that there is still hope in a hopeless world. And that shining beam of lifesaving energy has a name. One proper noun which instills cheer and wonder in every man's heart. That word is: Schlitz.

6) Time has 25 special gadgets which will help you live your life or whatever. I haven't actually looked at them yet because I took too long watching Mr. Show with Bob and David clips on YouTube this morning. I am only human...

Well, that's about it. I leave you with two bits of awesomeness. The first comes from my friend Mike who found the coolest thing on The Sporting Blog. Yes, that's journeyman quarterback, and damn fine rapper (did he just rhyme field--with field??), Jim McMahon tooling around a casino with some fine looking filly's to keep his junk fully drained at all times. Doctor's orders.

The second bit of media is just Phil Collins singing one of the best songs out there, Take Me Home, live in Paris. It's possible I've linked to this before, but since I'm the one writing this, I don't have to care. Sit on that, establishment pigs!!