Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-July 31, 2008CE

1) I am sure that China is a beautiful country with a rich history, but I wouldn't go there if you named me to the Olympic team. OK maybe I would go then, but I would still be pretty darn scared. It's amazing how the communist party can oppress so many goddamn people. China has a population of roughly 75 trillion people. And according to the pollution reports, zero trees.

2) "I've fallen, and it's 5 months from now..." If having grandparents has taught me anything, it's that if the elderly want to fall, they are going to find a way to fall. These are the people who beat the Nazis and invented the waffle iron. They can do anything.

3) In sports, Ken Griffey, Jr. (who in an alternate, better universe is the greatest living baseball player) has a tentative deal to go to the Chicago White Sox. After an injury plagued career with the Mariners and Reds, perhaps Griffey can pull a Karl Malone and at least get to the World Series this year with the A.L. Central leading Sox. And perhaps that could be a subway (El?) series with the National League leading Chicago Cubs, who took their third game in a four game series away from their closest competition, the Milwaukee Brewers. They go for the sweep today. I-Rod joins A-Rod and P-Rod and X-Rod and all the other alphabetical Rods with the New York Yankees. Too bad, because I used to kinda like him. But pinstripes=terrorist. There I said it.

4) In my heart of hearts I know it isn't Exxon driving the price of oil , it's OPEC and supply and demand and everything else we deal with in a global economy, but $1500 a second of profit in the second quarter is just stomach turning when people can't afford gas or home heating oil or any of that junk. I mean, I ride my bike everywhere now just so I can afford the massive amounts of petroleum jelly I require.

5) In entertainment, the previously unreleased companion book to the Harry Potter series (worst. ending. ever.) Tales of Beedle the Bard, will have a limited printing for public consumption. J. K. Rowling said she was really missing that special feeling you get when you are able to take every last cent of allowance from a 5 year old to stuff your already massive coffers.

6) Pulling fish from the bottom of the ocean is exactly how shit like Godzilla happens. I just saw Cloverfield last week, and it would surprise me not in the least to see that happen when we go around trudging the bottom of the ocean with a pressurized net. It's probably the purpose of these expeditions, to raise Mothra from the bottom of the sea. These guys probably think Hellboy is real...

Well, that's about it. It's like John Stockton said about his shorts: "To be honest, for the first 15 years, I didn’t know we had a say in it. I figured shorts are shorts, I’ve never had a say in what size the shorts were since I was a little kid. I was lucky I wasn’t wearing my brother’s most of the time, it’s just what you have. It came to a surprise when people were making fun of me, ‘I can change them?’ And I didn’t want to at that point, they were comfortable. Styles are going to come and go. I think it’s easier to stay with what you’re comfortable with."