Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-September 23, 2008CE

1) Remember a few years back when DNA evidence proved that the father of the Declaration of Independence, founder of the University of Virginia and the 3rd President of the United States, Thomas Jefferson, had children with a slave, Sally Hemmings? And now all the Hemmingses are invited to the Jefferson family reunions and everyone gets along and eats potato salad while they discuss being able to grow up as the descendant of one of the most important people in this country’s history. Well this article is about none of that goofy shit, as it is about Sally Hemmings' time in Paris, while her master (rawr!) was the U.S. Ambassador to France. It is a wonderful portrait of what it must have been like to live in Paris in the late 1700's, which I imagine is kinda like living in Paris now. Unwashed Parisians tromping down muddy streets carrying their baguettes and berets, generally making asses out of themselves by being so goddamn insufferable.

2) Because farmers seem to be just about as superstitious as a voodoo priestess, some growers have installed hail canons in their orchards. A hail cannon, for those of you not lucky enough to live next to a giant sound wave emitting cannon of enormous size and decibel, is a giant sound wave emitting cannon of enormous size and decibel. Please click on the link contained in the article which allows you to listen to this monstrosity of an invention and then pack your bags, because you will want to move to Vermont immediately.
Speaking of noise, the Honda corporation decided to turn a U.S. highway into a goddamn victrola buy carving grooves into the very surface of the road so that when a Honda Civic travels in the grooves at 55mph is sounds like the William Tell Overture, or as it is more popularly known, the Lone Ranger Theme. Another innovation by the people who brought you the Honda Civic, the car that every douchebag who can’t find a Dodge Neon has to have!

3) In sports, the New Orleans Saints are boned once again with the loss of TE Jeremy Shockey. Shockey, who you may remember is an ass, got a sports hernia which means his abdominal wall is weak. FUCKING WEAK!!!! I think I know the course of treatment. Sit ups. And candy.

4) I begin this paragraph with a warning to our parents: some of what you may read is not appropriate for younger viewers. So now that the kids are gone: TURTLE SEX! And not the super hot Lisa Turtle kind, but actual Galapagos Islands tortoise cross breeding to attempt to resurrect an extinct species of turtle. Galapagos tortoises are known to live for well over 150 years, meaning that one born today might live to see the U.S. dig itself out of this peat bog created by the Bush Administration. BAM! And you thought this was a politics free AMEO. Silly, silly boy…

5) Huh??

6) If you are so bored you might think of searching for Jeremy Shockey’s webpage, or perhaps looking up what Lark Voorhies is up to these days (nothing) then you are bored enough to find out one awesome thing there is to do in every state. And Time magazine is just the place to do that, because they have already compiled the list for you! So get out there and find something to get into. Because otherwise, you’ll have to sit at home…with your family…

Well, that’s about it. And now, apropo of nothing: British Television.