Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-September 24, 2008CE

1) Perhaps you have heard that Lindsay Lohan outed herself as a lesbian on a radio show yesterday. It's received just about as much coverage as the financial collapse of the United States economy. There is a bailout plan being floated to congress by the Treasury Department and the Lame Duck presidency for around $700 billion. Listen, I don't hand out economic advice often, although I am supremely qualified, but if I were you (and I am) I would go ahead and gather up an apple cart, and if possible, grab a tattered coat and put dirt all over it. A threadbare wool hat and worn leather shoes will help also.

2) Your favorite member of the Axis of Evil, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visited the Big Apple yesterday to speak at the United Nations and Larry King, and most of the time I can't tell the two institutions apart. I was flipping around last night and alighted on Fox News as their news ticker scrolled by informing the American people of the day's news. And because they are a legitimate news organization who takes pride in their consummate professionalism they referred to the Iranian leader as "A-Jad". Because apparently he's a 6'6" guard in the NBA. Fucking amateurs.

3) In sports, the Red Sox clinched their playoff spot, but whether or not it's as AL East champs or the AL wildcard is still up to the Tampa Bay Rays, who swept a doubleheader against the O's to put their magic number at 2. So the playoff picture is taking shape, with the Cubs and Angels clinching the NL Central and AL West, respectively. In the NL East the Philadelphia Phillies have a paper thin 1.5 game lead on the Mets (The Mets have a one game lead on the Brewers for the wild card spot) and in the NL West the Dodgers have a 3 game lead on the D-Backs with 6 games to go. The last contest is between the Chicago White Sox and Minnesota Twins who are 1.5 games back from the Southsiders.
Here is a story about the first real infamous play in baseball history, the Bonehead Merkle play between the Cubs and NY Giants in 1908, the last year the Cubs won the World Series (besides 2008 of course)

4) Did you know...that there is a debate over killing horses for human consumption? I kinda thought we figured this one out when we stopped eating dogs. And why they included a picture of a horse with his head all split open I'll never know. (But seriously, on the downlow, that shit is DELICIOUS!)

5) In entertainment, I can't argue with this review of the new Knight Rider series. Of course that doesn't mean I'll stop watching; until it is cancelled of course. I just have too many great childhood memories of the original (Germans love David Hasselhoff) and for some reason love to watch barely watchable shows. Of course I love to watch the supremely watchable shows also, so I guess I can't be trusted with any opinions.
Ricky Gervais, of The Office fame, is my new hero because he hates things just as much as I do. Possibly more. Which makes me feel better, because maybe I'm not the most misanthropic dick on earth. Who am I kidding, of course I am.

6) Not surprised. Remember to do the christian thing and persecute an entire gender because of a 2000 year old book where the offending act is not even clear. Then collect an offering.

Well, that's about it. Except for this, and I don't have a funny joke, except I keep thinking about turning the Muppet Show sketch Pigs In Space into Jews In Space, but I don't have those kind of photoshop skills. It's like Spencer Pratt said: "I suck."