Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-October 1, 2008CE

1) Still fucked, but attempting to drag ourselves out of the quicksand, the Senate is expected to vote on a bailout plan tonight, and it is expected to pass easily. This will put increased pressure back on the House of Representatives to get this over with so at least something can get done, good or bad. This would be the perfect time to reanimate or clone FDR or LBJ. Now those pricks had the clout to get stuff done.

2) It's good to see that Russia is as on the ball as the U.S. is, at least when it comes to timely decisions. It's a good thing all these people have been dead for a century.

3) In sports, one more step towards that El series in Chicago as the White Sox defeated the Twins for the AL Central crown. But let's be serious, neither the White Sox or the Cubs will actually be in the series this year. I think we can all agree that honor will go to the game the entire nation and Canada is clamoring for: Phillies v Rays.
Al Davis rose from the grave once more to fire another coach, this time Lane Kiffin, who took this whole situation in stride by smiling and generally acting just as much the ass as his former boss. The Raiders are the equivalent of Zimbabwe.
Do you know just enough about baseball to hang yourself in a conversation with someone who actually knows? Do you know nothing about baseball? Do you even care? If the answer to the first 2 questions is yes then this MLB playoff primer should help you out. Impress your friends and neighbors with your in depth insight about the Manny in LA situation, or perhaps you can bloviate about whether the Brewers will pony up the money next year to keep C.C. Sabathia. (The answer is they should, the reality is they probably won't.)

4) And Europeans wonder why Americans think they are snobby, useless cocksuckers. It's because of statements like this. Just go back to whatever brandy snifter of semen you were sipping on while refolding your ascot collection and leave the literature to the experts: graphic novelists.

Well, that's about it. It's like Lyndon Baines Johnson said: "{Gerald} Ford's economics are the worst thing that's happened to this country since pantyhose ruined finger-fucking."