Ante Meridiem Eye Openers-October 21, 2008CE

1) We tend to forget that although we might be screwed (and we are), the rest of the world isn't having such a fun time either, when it comes to the global economy. Which brings me to my next point: macaroni and cheese vs./ shells and cheese. Now I think the point has been well made by scientists and pundits that shells and cheese is vastly superior because the shell can hold more delicious cheese sauce. Plus I firmly believe they use a different formula for the cheese sauce, using more of a white cheddar than a yellow cheddar. Information for life.

2) I remember before I changed my name it was impossible for me to get a proper voter registration. The clerk of court refused to believe that Cockamamie P. McScooterberg was my full legal name, so I can see where there would be some problems differentiating between pets and humans.

3) In sports, Mike Singletary is a complete badass and the only way the situation the San Fransisco could get any cooler is if he made Dick Butkus the Defensive Coordinator. And Jack Tatum line coach. And Dick "NightTrain" Lane the linebackers coach. And Ronnie Lott as morale officer or something; I don't know. I just want to see arms ripped off at Candlestick this year.
Just in case you thought that all athletes and celebrities are assholes all the time, then hopefully this story will dispell you of that notion. Now I don't think Tiger Woods is Mother Teresa every day, but at least he can get out and have fun with the regular guys. Tiger made good on a contest by becoming caddie to joe the plumber* and spending the day taking him around Woods' home course, Torrey Pines. Just a good story, to offset all the shit that is going on in the world.
*not actually joe the plumber, you literal morons.

4) No. Fucking. Shit.

5) In entertainment, it's a good thing Nick Hogan got out of jail, because there are a ton of new Iraq War veterans in the Miami area that haven't been scarred by the horrors of war, but still feel the need to become a vegetable. And Nick Hogan is here to help!

6) DAMN! Another foolproof plan gone to shit by "science" and "common sense". I really thought I had them this time...

Well, that's about it. It's like Aristotle said: "Wit is well-bred insolence."