You're Immortal and Couldn't Find The Time To Comb Your Hair???

I want to suck your........blood?

Thank you Grady Hendrix.

I don't know you, and you've never met me.

I've never driven you to the airport, and you've never helped me move.

But we share so much. Well, honestly, I don't know what we share, but at least we do share one important opinion. Maybe the most important opinion of our day. No, not abortion--vampires.

Grady, like myself, hates new vampires.

Vampires used to kick ass. They used to live in castles and wear capes. They used to live forever and use their charm and powers to make women willingly give their bodies and blood to them. They would grab a hypnotized young girl, take her by the arms, look deeply into her eyes, move in for a passionate kiss, and then drink the lifeblood from her body.

And we were all fine with this.

Now we have Twilight, a mormon abstinence fable written by a lonely housewife who was so pent up with her own shitty existence, she invented a fantasy world where kids never fuck. Ms Meyers, the Bush years are over: you lost... What kind of sad sack gets off by reading about people in love who will never screw!!!! The vampires in the books literally sparkle like My Little Pony and spend all of their time brooding in tree tops instead of seducing women for food...what kind of world is this?

These two couldn't go fuck themselves any more than I currently wish...

Harry Potter is more realistic than this tripe, and less damaging. The best example of what these loser-emo vampires do to women is this FML:

Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML

Like Grady says, this kind of shit is making young girls believe that kind of person exists. Let me tell you something, young America: vampires taking over the teamsters is about as likely of you finding a boyfriend who compares to a FICTIONAL PERSON! Men are not that available or emotional. And guess what?

If you find a beautiful, pale man who sparkles in the sun while he listens to you and looks deep into your eyes while you tell him your hopes, dreams and aspirations--then you are in love with a gay man.

In conclusion, all we have to look forward to now is the new wolfman movie with Benecio Del Toro, and all you have to look forward to is the wedding of your brother and your best friend Edward...