My Latest Phone Debacle

I like to think of myself as an alpha+1 consumer. I'm totally up on the newest and best out there, I'm just too cheap/poor to afford it when it comes out. So it usually takes me a year to break down and not eat for a week to afford whatever gadget I feel I cannot live without. A couple of years ago that "Golden Dancer" (see Inherit The Wind, with Spencer Tracy, Fredric March, and Gene Kelly for the reference) was a smartphone. I felt I needed one, not only because of the tremendous functionality of such devices, but let's be honest: being the only one in your social circle with a particular bauble is pretty darn neat...

So I decided on a blackberry, which was, and still is, one of the standards in smartphone technology. At the time, the blackberry pearl was all the rage. It was small, lightweight, and was the first of their phones to feature the trackball, instead of a scroll wheel or a 4-way directional pad like most other phones.

Oh, a look into the distant past....

The old 8100. The old grey mare. Email, facebook, internet, and a host of other applications kept me in contact with the world like never before. Using the suretype system I could type faster than ever before; search for information like never before. And slowly but surely others began to see the glitz and glamor (glitz and glamor not available in Alaska, Hawaii or Puerto Rico) of a smartphone. I read about them; I learned all I could about the newest applications which might be useful to a guy like me. I became the go-to guy if you had problems with your blackberry. And being wanted for your mind, instead of your body all the time, feels good.

But then, tragedy struck: At the end of last June, I was scheduled for surgery to remove my...um...heart, or something, and my blackberry broke down. The little port that charges the phone just stopped working. I had to spend a week in the hospital without my window into the outside world; do you know how boring life can be with just voice calls and text messaging? On the other hand it gave me lots of time to spend with my newest friends, Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, and intravenous pain killers.

She watched her mom get decapitated; I'm just saying...

Once out of the hospital, I quickly called my service provider, AT&T, and they couldn't have been more helpful. I was about a month away from my upgrade date, and having been a loyal customer for 7 years, they waived that whole business and I upgraded to my newest companion, the blackberry pearl 8110. The next generation of pearl, my new phone had GPS, which as I came to find out, was the newest thing I didn't know I couldn't live without. If I was a pioneer, and I got a new tongue for my Conestoga wagon, I would look upon that tongue with amazement, wracking my brain as to how I even got this far without it.

See the difference!?!?!

So this past year with my bestie, 8110, has been great. We got in some sticky situations, but we always got out, with the help of my thumbs and his uncanny ability to do the things he was designed to do. Until last Thursday night...

I charge my phone each night (because eventually the battery blows goats, and I use way too many applications), and as I plug the phone to it's charger, the little symbol did not appear. No big deal; I try again. That is when I realize that my little charger port (it's called a micro USB port) is no longer particularly attached to anything inside my phone. I'm heartbroken; but confident that since my upgrade is in November, and I've still been a loyal customer for 8 years now, that something will turn out in my favor.

And that was my mistake. Because Polly Anna over here forgot that nothing ever turns out in his favor. The AT&T customer service, and the in person associate in the store both told me essentially the same thing: spend a crapton of money now on a new smartphone, or wait till November and use another phone. So I chose to run over to the old Walmarks and get what is called a "Go Phone". Go Phone stands for "go kill yourself" because this phone will tear your soul apart it is so awful. It truly has the same functionality as the phone I first had in 2001. This thing makes calls and texts, and if you've gotten this far then I don't have to tell you that's just not cutting it.

Illustration of my psyche...

So I look around on eBay, and I really don't feel like dropping that dough either. Then: an epiphany! I took this light bulb above my head and found an establishment which will repair cell phones! Huzzah and Hip Hip!! (Literally as I wrote this I got a call back from this establishment informing me that they can fix it; the new motherboard chip will be a little more expensive than previously thought, but still leagues cheaper than a new phone.)

So all in all, things seemed to work out. A weekend spent in misery and loathing, yes, but I learned what to do first, instead of last. I will have my bestie back in my arms, for a cross country trip I am undertaking next week, and I just know my little buddy with the new brain will guide me well.

Most importantly, I learned to never bet against a Sicilian when death is on the line...but that's another story for another time...

Now, I would be remiss if I didn't include a video for your enjoyment. It's slightly out of date, but I task you with the job of updating it. Let's hear your ideas:



And for no reason whatsoever: