Feelings Not Related To A Cell Phone (SURPRISE!!)

(I actually wrote this a few weeks ago, and am just now getting around to posting it. Enjoy my feelings...this is probably the last time, you jackals.)

A few weeks ago I was asked what I do when I actually like someone.

Now if I like you as a person, I have to feel you out. I have to test you. I have to make you mad.

It is known far and wide that if I meet you, and haven't insulted you within 10 minutes, then I really have no use for you as a human being. Apparently sometimes this backfires...again, I have no use for you. Most would abhor the words "Oh, don't take it seriously; that's just Russell". Not I. For one, it takes away a ton of explanations and apologizing I have to do. For another it has garnered me a reputation so that new people already know the above rules, and I don't have to worry about it.

My record from "Hi, I'm *insert name here*." to "I don't like you." is 35 seconds. A serious feather in my cap.

But I'm not stupid; I knew what they meant by "someone".

At the time, I didn't know what the answer really was. Comedian Louis C.K. puts it best when he says, "A guy will fuck you if he doesn't like you, everybody knows that. But a guy will fuck you even when he doesn't feel like fucking you." Needless to say it's better from him. Watch his 2008 special, "Chewed Up"--it'll do a body good. What that means in simple terms is guys are pigs or dogs or whatever you want to say. Its a super-funny cliche in entertainment, and played out and not entirely true, but to some extent it is. You truly do not want to know what (or who. or how many...) your husband did before he met you. Because more than likely he was a different person. He's hopefully a better person now...

But the original question. I know its hard to believe, but I don't hate everyone. And trust me: hating everyone all the time is so much easier. You don't stop to wonder why you don't like someone, because it doesn't matter: you hate them. But, much to my chagrin, and not to share any undue details, but this weekend I figured out what I do when I actually like someone. I make the time.

It's as simple as that. Without thinking about it I make the time. I had several functions to attend, a couple of them quite formal and I was honored to participate. But when the opportunity came to leave, I did. And I didn't feel bad, and I never second guessed my decision, or my timing. I just made the time. Now this person lives out of town, so I get the opportunity (depending how you look at it, the shitty luck) to revert to my selfish ways. My time for me, and go fuck yourself. If I want to be somewhere I'll be there. But the downside to that is glaringly obvious.

Oh, it's not glaringly obvious? It starts with "a" and ends with "e" with "lon" in the middle.

So that's it. What do I do when I like someone? The same thing I've seen my friends do. The same thing everyone does. My actions change, without a conscious decision. And even the conscious decisions change. But that's the way its supposed to be, the only way it can be. It's like The Stranger says, " I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' itself."

I just had to put a Big Lebowski quote in there...it was getting way too serious...