Picks From A Guy Who Watches Football-Week 9

Welcome back and congratulations!! You have made it a week, as have we. Let's get right to the random picks made with the slightest modicum of knowledge for the upcoming weekend of sweet, sweet College Football.

Thursday Night:

Boston College v Virginia Tech: This turns out to be a marquee game in the year of the ridiculous polls. Matt Ryan is still trying to keep his head above water in the Heisman race, so he will need to turn it on. Plus there is no pressure because no one in Boston is even aware these kids are playing as the number 2 team in the country--GO SAUX!!! Boston College

Friday Night:

Boise St. v Fresno St.: This is a game that only the most stalwart of WAC fans will enjoy. Do yourself a favor, get out of the house and pull some tail down by the bus station. You will hate yourself less in the morning than if you had stayed in and watched this game. Boise State

Saturday Early Games:

West Virginia v Rutgers: Oh, you crazy clowns in the Big East. The juggernaut of the Mountaineers battling the midget killers of Rutgers. Rutgers might be better than Mississippi State, but there will be less ass raping at San Quintin on Saturday afternoon. West Virginia

Indiana v Wisconsin: Get off your ass and call your cable provider to ask for the Big Ten Network!!1! You will thank me come Saturday. Wisconsin

USC v Oregon: Let's not sit here and act like USC sucks all of a sudden. They are still good, and Oregon is good, but not as good as LSU. Sorry, had to get the Tigers in there somehow, due to the bye week. I will go with Oregon, not because they are ranked higher, but on the hope that the home crowd will help pump the team up to defend against USC's QB, Sanchez, sneaking balls over the goal line in a panel van. Oregon

Louisville over Pitt, Michigan State over Iowa, Texas Tech over Colorado, Kentucky over Mississippi State

Saturday Afternoon:

Florida v Georgia: Watch this game. The largest outdoor fuckfest kicks off at 2:30 central, with these two teams ranked in the top 20 and hungry for the SEC East crown. I will go with Florida, and I think we all know why: The Jolly Blue Giant, Tim Tebow. Tison's dad thinks he's in love with Tebow, and he is correct. So is the end zone. Florida

Minnesota v Michigan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA HAHaha Haha ha Michigan

Nebraska v Texas: Christ, there is nothing on in the afternoon. I'll be camping, so I won't be subjected to the boredom of this, or any game in the afternoon. Texas

Connecticut over South Florida, Clemson over Maryland, Virginia over North Carolina State, UCLA over Washington State

Saturday Night:

Kansas v Texas A&M: MANGINO HUNGRY!! But really, this might be a close game with Kansas' future riding on the line. Kansas

Cal v Arizona State: The Bears have had a rough go of late, and Arizona State has come from nowhere to take the number 4 ranking. I think the Bears are due to regain some luster, plus I take nothing for granted this season. Cal

Ohio State v Penn State: One v Twenty Five in this showdown of the Big Ten. Apparently the bigger showdown is between the fans and their rebellious bowels. The big story is the lack of shitters in Happy Valley, what with Joe Paterno taking to running them over in his 1988 Mercury Grand Marquis as he screams obscenities from his window. I'll pick a crazy old coot who pays no mind to simple traffic laws and routinely craps his Depends over a stuffed shirt pansy in a sweater vest any day. (Note: This does not in any way diminish the coolness of sweater vests; sweater vests are the only thing keeping Jim Tressel from blowing a tranny down by the docks 6 nights a week.) Penn State

Florida State over Duke, South Carolina over Tennessee, Middle Tennessee over North Texas

Well that's about it. As a reward for those of you who made it through that exercise in futility:

Keeley Hazell from the UK: It's easier to find pictures of the second shooter on the grassy knoll than a picture of her wearing a bra. God bless her.